400th Post: Land of Song Reader's Companion

”Me, me, me.”
“Me, too.”
—Agents Smith


Essence of Bard
The new fragrance by Armani.

Perhaps when combined, the following successfully portray what I am “about.” Consider these my tentative Top 15 expressive posts (in chronological order), the ones I most hope you haven’t missed:

Into the West
Be Like Water
All Along the Watchtower
Expedience
Camaraderie
Wish You Were Here
The Kraken
The Bard Unleashed
The Pilgrim Road
A Dark and Stormy Knight
Menagerie
A Tempest Loomed
A Little Push
Where the Willows Weep
Never Stop Fighting



GLOSSARY

The Amazing Brando - Though sometimes still considered to be the Captain’s sidekick, he actually has his own spin-off series of adventures. His powers are amazing, though not yet explained. He wears a red cape, though he is also sometimes depicted wearing a yellow cape. In the U.K. version, he also wears flight goggles.

Bear-Man-Chinchilla - The Amazing Brando’s arch-nemesis, this sturdy opponent is part bear, part man, and part chinchilla.

The Bizarro Tim - The warrior bard in an alternate universe in which he is neither warrior nor bard, perfectly happy working a customer service job in Johnson County and composing electroacoustic music in his spare time. He is a cheerful, outgoing, extroverted people person. You’d like him.

The Captain - Formerly Captain Obvious, the Captain is the physical manifestation of sardonic wit. He is often depicted as smoking cigars and banging a beautiful, blonde German woman named Hilda, though in reality he does neither. He is regularly quoted on the blog for his encouraging bits of wisdom, sometimes even credited for bits of wisdom from other people. While the warrior bard and the pikey are not capitalized, the Captain always is.

Creepy Bunnies - Those disturbing statues they put out on the Plaza in Kansas City around Easter. Creepy.

Ghost Ninja Demon Fairy Truck Driver - The Captain’s arch-nemesis, this reality-bending villain is the physical manifestation of every bad movie the Captain has ever watched in which the plot holes and inexplicable mechanics have reached critical mass. This entity takes the guise of the killer from Joyride 2, though always coming off as unthreatening with his line, “I can see you,” because he is often facing the person he is taunting, which makes him just seem mentally retarded.

A guy in a chicken suit - A shadowy reflection of the warrior bard, a guy in a chicken suit is what the warrior bard could be if he took nothing seriously at all. A guy in a chicken suit occasionally makes an appearance then the balance of the blog has tipped too far into the Real. He often throws a wrench in the warrior bard’s plans just for the sake of mischief and filthy humor.

Herr Vogler - This Kansas City-based composer has scored over sixty D-grade “slasher” films and can split a tone row into three hexachords. He is a long-time co-conspirator of the warrior bard, together forming the double-act Mayhem and Chaos. Herr Vogler has friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom. He’ll blend in, disappear. You’ll never see him again.

The Hilda Situation - This is far too complicated to synopsize. It all began when the Captain found out that Len Wiseman was directing a fourth Die Hard film. This epic-scale inside joke deserves its own blog.

Meat-in-a-Cup - Everyone’s favorite refreshment on a hot summer day, made from beating a dead horse.

The oracle jester - Long-lost counterpart to the warrior bard, the oracle jester serves to provide hints of the future encrypted by clever wit. The exact identity of the oracle jester is unknown. It is believed by some that the oracle jester is more of a passing role than an actual individual, that anyone can show up as the oracle jester as a sort of deus ex machina. Others hold that Julio is in fact the oracle jester.

Orange cream soda - A trigger phrase that causes everyone but the speaker to burst into uncontrollable sobs of abject despair, always to the speaker’s bemusement. “Awww, WHY?!”

The pikey - Herr Vogler’s hetero-lifemate, he is known as a “bad Irishman” in that he does not partake in alcohol. Fortunately, the warrior bard is more than willing to pick up the slack. The pikey does, however, have a predilection for 17-year-old actresses. The pikey is to Friends as the warrior bard is to Seinfeld.

Red Dead Zed - Zed was a man. Then he saw red. Then he was a zombie. Zombie survival is as simple as 1-2-3.

Robot Hilda - Though several different models have been designed, Robot Hilda is the term used for the warrior bard’s ideal roommate at the time.

The Shrine of Vogler - As much a monument to Herr Vogler’s ego as a shrine to his mercy, the Shrine of Vogler is the product of the warrior bard’s gratitude for Herr Vogler providing the standing offer of crashing at his parents’ house in Kansas City in case the warrior bard needs a foot in the door before finding an apartment. The Creepy Bunnies also have an unknown reason for demanding that the warrior bard complete its construction, otherwise threatening to invade and enslave Kansas City in April 2010.

That nip in the air - The feeling one gets on a chilly October afternoon, when it’s just slightly too cold not to wear a jacket, heralding the advent of autumn, when one knows in the back of one’s mind that Halloween is on its way.

The Vendor - Originally, he was a tool of the Captain, basically representing the reader of the blog when enough is enough. In a roundabout way, he informs the fictitious characters that they are in fact fictitious and their purpose in the comments has long expired. He doesn’t break the fourth wall so much as he demolishes the other three walls.

The warrior bard - The author of the blog, formerly hyphenated as the warrior-bard, this bitter 28-year-old composer uses his keen powers of observation for neither good nor evil. Though he has misanthropic leanings, he is a steadfast observer of society and a vigilant student of human nature. He tells the tales of those he encounters as best as he knows how. This self-imposed role of neutral, stoic onlooker is easily accomplished since the rest of society tends to ignore and exclude him anyway. He is far more astute than people give him credit.

Zombie horse motif - The improbability of an undead equine being able to sneak up on anybody is overlooked due to Alan Silvestri simultaneously hitting every instrument in the orchestra with a hammer.

[All addenda and errata to be addressed in the comments]



INTERVIEW WITH A GUY IN A CHICKEN SUIT

The Warrior Bard (WB): First of all, thank you for sitting down with me to talk to the blog readers.

A Guy In A Chicken Suit (GCS): Oh, absolutely. My pleasure.

WB: So. Let’s talk about your blog, Crispy Chicken Tenders. You haven’t posted anything on that since the original post. Why is that?

GCS: Because in order to comment on your stupid blog, I had to start a blog of my own. Thanks for setting the comments to members only, numb-nuts.

WB: So you have no intention of starting your own blog?

GCS: No. What an asinine question. Why would I? I have half of this blog.

WB: Ah, yes, you are referring to the fact that we are the same person, that you are just a figment of my imagination.

GCS: That’s certainly one way of looking at it, yes. But I could say the same about you.

WB: Interesting. So… the readers are scratching their heads, wanting to know… why the chicken suit?

GCS: Family Guy.

WB: So what do you see in store for the next hundred posts of Land of Song?

GCS: More of me, of course. [laughs] I see the surrealism being taken to a new level to compensate for the inevitably depressing winter of blog posts ahead. I also think we can safely predict a reprise of The Hilda Situation at some point. I see the Christmas season bringing the blog full circle back to the “menagerie” from last year, the futile quest to redeem humanity’s hypocrisy. And sometime in April, assuming you aren’t in Kansas City yet, there will have to be an epic battle of the Creepy Bunnies to thwart their invasion. I see the pikey becoming integral in the defense of the city.

WB: The pikey? Really?

GCS: Yes. You’ve only actually met him once, which makes him the perfect replacement for you as the hero of Kan—

WB: I’m sorry, did you say replacement?

GCS: That’s right, bardie boy. Recent polls show that the pikey’s blog has more readers than yours anyway. He’s up to four people now.

WB: Four?!

GCS: Well, counting himself. But he’s the one who’s been in KC the longest, isn’t he? I see the next hundred posts building up to the war of the Creepy Bunnies, but perhaps the pikey will be killed off? I don’t know, that seems like more of a May Sweeps thing, and the next hundred posts will probably only cover from now until April.

WB: So what are your intentions for that period?

GCS: I’m going to do what I always do—lurk in the shadows, awaiting a time such as this, where I reappear to sow absurdity and undermine your melancholy tone.

WB: Oh, come on, my blog isn’t that gloomy. I’m constantly putting an upbeat spin on my posts.

GCS: [laughs at great length] Okay, dude. Have it your way. If you don’t want to take this interview seriously, I’m leaving.

WB: Wait—come back!

GCS: Buckaw! [leaves]




On the next blog post on Land of Song…

The plans for Robot Hilda Mark III are stolen, and in order to get them back the warrior bard must team up with an unlikely ally…

Meanwhile, the Captain makes a shocking discovery that threatens to shatter the tenuous peace of the New Republic. But with the Amazing Brando busy mounting an expedition to the Unknown Regions to find a cure for the Orange Cream Soda neurotoxin, can the Captain mobilize his companions in time to prevent disaster?



Julio saw lightning.