Where the Willows Weep

Of the friends I've talked to over the phone this week, there seems to be a sense of general malaise that connects us all. I can think of better ties to bind us, but that's the status quo for you.

I won't put words in Scott Blanchard's mouth, for example, but when he describes his frustrations, they seem to almost perfectly mirror my own. A lot of it comes down to a sense of urgency, a deeply ingrained need to be Productive while simultaneously juggling a life of fulfilling adventure and overall balance. Impossible, right?

Lately my chief frustration has been an old one for me: trying to balance all the endeavors that people feel all too free to pester me about. Like it's anyone's business how much I've been composing, exercising, job hunting, reading, or whatever else. More than anything, I'd just like to be left alone. Except for the whole fifteen-member Saga Frontier party system I blogged about a while back. Left alone, but with a posse. Yeah.

On the days where I can get away with it, I've been seriously studying Japanese at work. Why? Who honestly gives a crap if I am bilingual? Does it matter? No. And yes.

We're all feeling empty these days, it seems. As the good Captain told me, "We're all treading water until we die. It's just a matter of choosing your water."

Aside from leisure/escapist reading, I have been rereading my collection of budo material. I am rediscovering the beauty, tranquility, and sense of purpose in simplicity itself. On the other hand, it is almost as though all my flaws have been scribbled across the pages in bold-tipped, permanent marker, illustrating plainly just how far I've fallen from grace after only a year since being torn away from my routine. Amazing.

A few months ago, I was chatting with Herr Vogler online, saying something along these lines: "You give me too much credit. In all honesty, I have fallen from grace." The unsinkable Herr Vogler replied, as though channeling Liam Neeson in Kingdom of Heaven, "Haven't we all."

What gets me the most is my own loss of credibility. I know much better than I let on (especially here in blogspace), but now no one knows I know better. It's a real shame that a once grand friendship has been tarnished simply because the girl got tired of my apparently negative outlook. Apparently I "want too much" and am worse for it. I was even used on that blog as an example to others of what not to become, the ugly product of pitfalls not avoided. Three cheers for understanding. I guess it's nobody's fault but my own, but it was a terrible blow to my personal honor and dignity. I hope to regain my friend's respect someday, for it was a shame to lose it just by virtue of having "a tough year."

Meanwhile, I have had something of an epiphany in cynicism. It was something I had already been aware of (at least on a superficial level) for quite some time, but only this week did the revelation truly sink in: everyone, every single person, no matter the lifestyle or status, is "pathetic" to someone else. Somehow, I feel a little better knowing this. People pity those whose lives exemplify that which they swear never to become.

The successful businessperson who can't wait to go to the next corporate seminar in Aspen just to get drunk and try to "bang the hot receptionist"--that's pathetic to me. But then look at me, with a master's degree and living with my parents because I have no money, I sure as hell seem pathetic when you but it that way. My old roommates, decadent slaves to indulgence, perpetually seeking only to satisfy their basest and most immediate carnal urges, are utterly pathetic... to me (to themselves, they probably see their ways as "living life to the fullest"). The happily married couples whose lives revolve around pointless spats over inane domestic issues, who seemingly live only to see all of their friends married as well, just so they can have one more location for dinner parties when they're not spending the rest of their time at Lowe's, slaves to TiVo, are pathetic to someone else. And chances are, those "Package Deal" saps are looking down on their single friends, assuming they are unhappy and incapable of achieving happiness without someone meddling in their affairs on their behalf. The devout budoka who spends a third of his free time practicing kata and never ends up married is considered a tragic figure by those who don't understand. And, rereading the books I've been reading, I take comfort in knowing that I actually do understand the philosophy, though most people I know could read the exact same text and still wouldn't get it. They might even think it's "pathetic" to try.

(Sorry, Josh, that should've been three paragraphs. My reason for combining it all was twofold: first, I wanted to emulate the cadence of a fast-talking rant; second, because it's easier for the eye to skip over it in order to track the admittedly vague point of this post.)

Last Saturday, we three single guys played Star Wars Miniatures, a collectible "table top" game. You got a problem with that? Go back to your Grey's Anatomy marathon, or whatever "pathetic" waste of time you were doing.

I don't know too many classically-trained composers who can speak and write conversational Japanese, who have explored the budo. Sure, I get a little too much satisfaction out of playing Final Fantasy games, but I only allot so much time for frivolity.

We're all potentially pathetic. Get over it. Not everyone defines "success" or "happiness" the same. Not everyone splits hairs between "contentedness" and "complacency." We're all feeling morose and empty these days, or at least most of us are, and that's mostly due to circumstance. We each have our ruts, but I, for one, am a little tired of feeling pathetic just because I am down on my luck.

Today, the Captain and I are going to carpool to my nephew's birthday party in St. Charles, where we will probably be accosted by countless total strangers who grossly overestimate their own tact and subtlety as they engage us in conversations about how we're not doing enough with our lives. I don't need that. People need to learn the meaning of "presumptuous."

Maybe I am pathetic, maybe I'm not. But I am feeling frustrated, unbalanced, and without any sense of control over my life. I'm not alone in this, as this week has proved. If you are one of us, you should narrow things down to the bare essentials you cling to in order to not feel like a total waste of carbon, and start from there. Me, I'm looking once again toward simplicity, for there's always too much I want to do with myself, as my old friend Brandi Patton used to say. Or maybe I just suck at time management.

As for my friend Scott, he has taken a bold, kinetic step towards Doing Something About It. For example, for a long time now he has been talking about getting into mountain biking, yet none of his friends seem to share the interest. So he would end up not going. But finally he and a friend went to Dick's (heh-heh) Sporting Goods to look at bikes. It's a small step, but it's a step in the right direction, a good example of what I'm talking about here.

for the shepherd is asleep where the willows weep,
and the mountains are filled with lost sheep.

So basically, everyone's unhappy, so find that simplicity that offers something for you, and screw anyone who doesn't share your values, because they'll just impede. Find your own damn purpose, and may those other lost sheep find theirs, because some people will always use you as an example of what they don't want to be. Isolate your personal values, your priorities. Embrace them, cling to them. Seek a Higher Meaning if you are so inclined, but for God's sake you shouldn't feel too guilty about having a Back to the Future marathon if the mood strikes you, even if you are drinking alone in your crummy apartment in downtown Seattle. We're all pathetic if you put a camera in the room and show the footage to someone who wasn't there. It depends on the light under which we are examined. Yeah, I'm uplifting and life-affirming... in a bleak, nihilistic sort of way.


"It is this stillness toward which we move when we follow a martial Way with sincerity and purpose. It is not an easy trip. The Way is filled with all sorts of difficulties. Don't give up. Stay the path. Keep moving along the Way. Keep moving toward stillness."
--Dave Lowry, Moving Toward Stillness (Tuttle, 2000)