Wish You Were Here

When all my aunts, uncles, and cousins get together, I’ve noticed that it’s not as fun as it used to be. I wonder what changed? I guess people get older and busier and all we can do at family reunions is sit and eat and talk. More people are born, and more people are married, so there are more people for people to talk about. Never mind the obvious fact that I have little in common with anyone. I just notice more and more the fact that I used to have fun on family weekends. It seems like we did more than just talk about the fact that I’m unemployed and single. It seems like there were fun times involved. Going places. Playing games. Fishing. Anything. For the love of God, people could at least play horseshoes or do something while they talk. Driving two hours for a potluck seems depressing to me. What happened? Are we all just getting old? Is that really all it is?

Movie blockbuster season is underway. So far I’ve seen Iron Man, Indiana Jones, and Prince Caspian. I can’t wait to see more movies in a group. The Dark Knight comes out the day before my birthday… I still need to figure out what I want to do for that weekend.

My brother gave me a tour of the city. Then last night, Snake and I went to see the Cardinals play the Astros. It was cold, rain threatened to break out at any second, and the redbirds got stomped in the top of the first inning. Not a good game to watch. But… it was my first time at the new Busch Stadium, which was worth it. Someday, perhaps, I’ll have season tickets. No, two season passes. One for me, one for you.

I was thinking about the possibilities of employment at the St. Louis Art Museum, and whether that would later lead to a decent career with the Nelson-Atkins Museum in Kansas City. There was a job at Nelson-Atkins that showed promise, but I couldn’t apply for it at the time because of my living situation. But how nice it would be to be “successful” in arts administration in Kansas City. Damn… “what if”… that’s enough of that.

There’s something else, something slightly more abstract and sublime. The little things. I have sort of an ongoing fantasy about a deck party. Not that I am particularly materialistic and need a nice house to be happy, but there’s been an image in my mind for the past couple of years or so…

Deck party. Drinks, maybe snacks, and good friends. Celebration is in the air: maybe someone’s engagement, maybe a big career move, maybe a graduation, maybe a publication, I don’t know, I just haven’t felt “victorious” in a long time. A dozen or more people smiling and laughing. Summer. The late sunset bleeding through the surrounding greenery. Some of those lantern lights you can get for cheap at Target, the kind they always have at seafood restaurant patios. And a dancing Ewok. Yeah, that’s right, a dancing Ewok.

That’s the image, but it’s more about the circumstances than the literal content. The victory celebration with good fellowship. Kind of like at the end of Ocean’s Twelve, only outdoors. It’s the image in my mind and heart whenever I listen to the epilogue of The Return of the King in my car, usually driving through handsome neighborhoods. I could care less about having the “perfect house” to hold parties—I just want the cause. And the lantern lights from Target… and maybe a fine bottle of Scotch, but that’s as far as my materialist “needs” go.

I think I missed the mark again. How do you tap into a fleeting moment and turn it into a portable ideal? It would be easier to show you, but I don’t have the means and you don’t have the gas money.

Someday.

Yeah, right. It just like the Captain says, “Nope! That’s all you get.”