Dead End

I’m not going to Anchorage in September, as was the plan. I’m also obviously not taking a train to Montana this month. Every potential road trip I could have taken this summer seems impossible as well. And I’m fairly certain I’m not going to Australia after all.

Even if I got accepted and had a good placement during the time period I applied for, I don’t think it’s feasible to go anymore…mostly because of money. There’s a hefty fee just for attending the unpaid internship program, not to mention additional costs. I don’t yet know all the details, such as how much they would help me get a cheap (or free) airfare. I think the program is generally more beneficial to a student who’s studying abroad than someone with a Master’s. It was still worth a look, but unless I get an internship that could really help launch my career and make contacts, it’s probably a foolish idea. And since that kind of placement is unrealistic, I might as well just plan my next move without Australia in mind. It’s just not financially worthwhile, and it inconveniences every other possibility I have. I’ll still find out more about the internship program as it develops, but it’s essentially a dead end. Much like the rest of my career ambitions.

“There never was much hope… just a fool’s hope.”

That’s right, I seem to be landlocked, surrounded by dead ends. Why do I feel almost ashamed of living in the Midwest for a quarter of a century? Maybe it just seems like my colleagues all have more going on. Most of them have nice gigs lined up. I don’t want to teach, so that pretty much limits my “success.” In a way, I feel threatened to be left behind; I had better get on top of my composition, so I have a stronger portfolio for when it counts.

My new “plan,” then, is to move to Kansas City and get a job this summer instead of this January. Meanwhile, I do some collaborating with fellow aspiring film composers, a few of which are in the KC area. I think I’ve already found the apartment I want, and I plan to move in September at the latest. I may just get a crappy job that any high-school jackass could get, while I compose for various commissions.

“And that, as they say, is that.”