November Thoughts of Discontent and Change

There are so many things running through my mind that I don't even know which direction I'm being pulled. So many thoughts, motivations, sentiments. Many of them bad. My mind is too defocused from sleep deprivation and sleep medication as a result of flipping my sleep schedule back from my Halloween break in order to work nights again. I can't concentrate for very long. I need another break.

I'm seriously tempted to just put in my two weeks' notice and take a leap of faith, and just let raw panic motivate me to get anything done.

Pardon my scatterbrain while I attempt to blog for you.

Well, I had a good time with my friends who visited for Halloween. There's not much to say without somehow subtracting from it, but I actually felt like I was alive for a change. That's a sobering wake-up call to get. I realized just how much time has been wasted living like this, despite never quite feeling complacent, per se.

I realized I made only a satisfactory tour guide, not an excellent one. I gave reliable recommendations based on my experience with the city, but my experience was lacking when you consider just how long I've lived here. I realized I need to make it a point to explore more. I always wanted to, but maybe I need a late-year resolution: try to visit a new place at least once a week. But when you take into consideration that "a new place" generally refers to restaurants, coffee shops, unique stores, or other entertainment venues, it becomes a question of budget, not initiative. At any rate, I intend to "discover Austin" a lot more in the coming months.

Yeah, it's time to change a lot of things for the better, actually.

So, I'm back into the grind. I'm preparing a studio policy and all the documents I need to become a full-time, self-employed piano teacher. Huge life changes are just around the corner, but I feel more stressed than excited.

I'll be working on Thanksgiving, but I intend to visit my family in Missouri for Christmas, so I'm not too bitter about it. Actually, I have absolutely no intention of still being at this job by Christmas, but I haven't figured out how I'm going to be unemployed and have money for traveling, buying presents, and paying for living expenses. December is one big question mark.

Let's see... what else?

I try to keep a few composition projects going on the side, which means progress on any given one is too slow for comfort. So lately I've simplified. I had been working on some stuff for Halloween, but I missed my deadline, and had some hardware issues that derailed the whole thing anyway. As soon as Halloween had passed, I immediately turned that limited attention towards the Christmas project I had outlined last year. But I hit a snag with the lyrics, and quit. I'm starting to think that my Christmas album idea is best left in outline form. At the moment, I have no idea what I will work on next, but it should probably be that album I was determined to have finished and posted for sale online by this time, as dictated by those infernal New Year's resolutions. Ugh. I think I should just make something short but sweet, something I can post on SoundCloud soon, just to feel like I am making progress.

I'm out of shape and out of practice, and there is no excuse. Self-loathing is at an all-time high. I am slowly getting back into Shotokan. More to report on that later. But it's got to become a way of life, if I am to not just fall off the wagon again sometime down the road. It's going to take commitment, but it's a commitment I am ready and willing to make. Yeah, I know, talk is cheap... but Hans Zimmer's score to Man of Steel can move mountains. Seriously, check it out sometime. It will give you more wings than a Red Bull will.

I had blogged previously about having my attention split between Kansas City and Bowling Green. Well, I've tabled both of those problems for later, but they are both still contributing to tonight's sense of spiritual vertigo. I can't afford to let myself get distracted by it this weekend, but I definitely have a plan. You know the friends who visited me? They are the ones who created the Mittens avatar, and I pitched my idea of Manifest Mittens to them, and they gave me the green light. Free reign to do as I wish. You know what that's like? That's like when Magneto freed Juggernaut from his restraints. Now there's no stopping him. It's like when Bane opened Blackgate Prison. Unfortunately, giving me permission to incriminate their webcomic character also means that they have little to no intention of ever bringing back Evil Arts & Crafts. Such a shame.

I've got BGSU on the brain tonight because I just noticed that a certain someone unfriended me on Facebook. I felt slighted, but I also had to hesitate because I honestly thought for a moment that maybe I unfriended him, and had just forgotten about it. Tells you what kind of a friend he was, huh? The funny thing is, the only reason I was keeping him around was out of passive aggression. I was aware that a lot of my posts would probably piss him off, because he is what I consider "part of the problem." But, deep down, I was hoping that I would raise his awareness to how he was contributing to my oppression, and that he would express some sort of remorse or at least understanding. I was hoping for catharsis. Instead, I guess he just got tired of my indirect resentment and quietly extricated himself from my sphere. Well, fuck you too, buddy. Good riddance. At least now I know Facebook is a slightly less aggravating place with him gone, though in retrospect I wish I'd had the nerve to unfriend him first. But I never did, because I was worried about offending him. It sounds irrational when I put it that way, but that's the way it is.

And if you think I'm going to pull my punches and become any less vitriolic towards BGSU from now on, think again. I'm just getting started.

I will expound upon that in a future blog post, but right now BGSU is an indulgence I can't afford. I've already wasted too much time writing about it just now, when I should be making templates of studio forms or working on my resume.

In summary, Halloween is behind me, and out of my system, and I am looking ahead, to Christmas. I am trying to remain focused on only the most essential, very top priorities. I wish I could have given a glamorized account of my friends' visit, but I didn't have it in me this time. I used to be a better blogger. Let it suffice to say that we had a great time (at least I did), and I intend on doing it--or something closely resembling it--again soon and often. But that will require several things to change first.

Yes, change is in the air. But I have a lot to figure out before any of it can actually happen. And, as always, I have not enough time to do it in. And I am in the habit of starting most of my sentences with prepositions for the sake of narrative pacing. Allowing phrases to pass for fully formed sentences. For effect. Because it's how everyone writes these days. People don't even need semicolons or periods, they just use commas to form run-on sentences. A stylistic thing.

The clock and the calendar are working against me. I need to find a way to get them to work for me.

Clearly, I need to listen to Man of Steel some more. Hey, it comes out on DVD in two days! Now that is an auspicious turn of events...