October's End

I haven't really done anything since the last blog post that warrants an update.  No progress in the professional realm, not even any more seasonal indulgences to share. For the most part, this October has ended up a disappointment. I didn't go to the haunted house, the corn maze, festival, Scare for a Cure, or buy a giant pumpkin from the Episcopal Church's fundraiser pumpkin patch. I didn't even watch the rest of my horror movies, or read the remaining short story anthologies I collected last year. I'm too busy studying or working to do anything fun, really. Too busy trying to get unstuck. Next October will be better.

However, there is one thing this year that has previous Halloweens beat. Three people whose reputations I sometimes sully by association are taking a road trip to Austin this week, and I am going to meet them for certain. I'm taking off of work, and I am going to flip my sleep schedule around, at least partially, so that I may join in their hijinks on Halloween.

I went to a baseball-themed sports bar to watch Game 1, which turned out to be a real drag. But just being there was refreshing. It was actually the first game I'd been all year. That is to say, I missed out on the entire baseball season of 2013 until the World Series. With heavy heart, I left in the 4th inning. I had to go to work later anyway. But man, what a lousy year when I don't even watch baseball. I am going to try to watch Game 5 "tomorrow morning" (or "tonight," for you daywalkers).

Watching baseball at a bar with a burger and a Guinness made me think of the Indomitable Herr Vogler in Kansas City. We used to meet at Buffalo Wild Wings for that kind of thing, and we'd talk about music, movies, and ambition. It was a different time... where did it go?

I guess I just haven't been in the fall spirit, mostly because of focusing on responsibilities and studying piano methods. But also, in the back of my mind I've been clinging to abstract feelings of things that motivate me. But if I knew how to describe it here, it wouldn't be abstract, now, would it?

Part of it is the crushing disappointment of not being able to take a trip to Missouri this fall like I'd intended. Bad things happened with a couple of cars, and I just didn't have the money for a wild romp in Kansas City with the Reverend and the Indomitable Herr Vogler. I was going to buy a bottle of 16-year-old Scotch for the occasion, but it never panned out. I haven't seen Dean "The Reverend" since I moved to Texas, and that is a crying shame.

Contributing to that, as strange as it may sound, is Hans Zimmer. I don't know how it happened, but I switched from a month-long Halloween horror movie tantric marathon to flashing forward/backward to winter--but which winter? I've been vacillating in my mood between Kansas City and Bowling Green, and it's all because of Black Hawk Down and Modern Warfare 2. Those two scores flow really well together, and both have a strong personal significance. But while BHD takes me back to the exhaustive score analysis I did for a class in December '04 at BGSU, MW2 inevitably takes me back to that rigorous weekend I visited Dean in KC in December '09, after I had moved away, and we played the shit out of that game. Despite the desert setting, I was deeply immersed in both of those Zimmer scores in cold-as-fuck December. And, last week, it was unseasonably cold for a night or two, which made me time travel. So I dropped the autumn/Halloween spirit and moved on towards December, sans Christmas. The question is, Bowling Green or Kansas City? I don't know, but both chapters ended badly, and both require some form of catharsis that continues to elude me.

I had a dream that I ran into my former thesis adviser, and she started berating me for the harsh criticisms I've been spouting online ever since I got my Master's Degree. In my dream, I was flustered by being sandbagged like that, unprepared for what to say to her while my former classmates watched. I was frustrated that this glorious moment was backfiring because I was unprepared for the confrontation I've long fantasized about. And before I could say what really needed to be said, I woke up angry. Don't know why, but I thought I'd mention it.

I have also been watching Season 5 of Clone Wars, which is really not very good, but the twenty-minute escape is an oddly rewarding way to wind down before bed.

I am rambling, and I have no idea how to end this blog post. I think my point is that, a while back, for the first time in my life, I declared a few New Year's resolutions, and so far they have all failed. Broken promises to myself, and all of the things I have used to define myself and my drive have been conspicuously absent. Instead, I have been resting on my laurels, not really doing anything of import. I am indescribably frustrated by the feeling of being invisible, and of not living up to my own previous expectations. I should have been so much farther along by now.

Yeah, I've got to do something about that. And I only have two months left before 2014. And it pisses me off. And despite my obligatory Halloween-related Facebook posts, I'm just not feeling it. I'm under too much pressure lately to let my inner child run free.

Ah. See, you were about to chastise me for indulging in nostalgic feelings, but you're wrong. You're thinking I'm once again allowing myself to be too distracted by reminiscence, but you're wrong. If anything, I've been too focused on what matters. I have eschewed distraction lately. I haven't been in the mood for carving pumpkins, watching scary movies, reading, or anything like that. And I'm not being wistful about days past, either. I'm not even being sentimental. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'm not saluting anyone with a toast to old times. I'm not feeling fondness for anything at the moment, really. I'm just confessing a personal failure to succeed and an inability to write a coherent fucking blog post.

But at least I can see some "back home" friends later this week. Somehow, I am surprisingly not looking forward to carousing around 6th Street in-costume, like I've wanted for the past three years. Rather, I'd much prefer a well-tailored suit and a bottle of anything that starts with "Glen." I'm hoping this humbug goes away in the next couple of days, though. Either way, I'm very glad to have visitors. Either way, you can't say October was anticlimactic.

And I hope the Cardinals win. I would love to have another World Series DVD set on my shelf.

Next October should be better. But I already had a lot of seasonal enjoyment early on, just not in the past couple weeks. Let's call it a draw.