Too Talls Three

Okay, it’s not really Too Talls Three—it’s still Too Talls Two Inferno, but it might as well be called Too Talls Three.

First, a brief history of Too Talls: In Kirksville, MO, a bar was established and named “Too Talls” because the drinks were “too tall.” Decades ago (I forget when, exactly) Too Talls was destroyed by an accidental fire. From the ashes, a phoenix was born: Too Talls Two.

Too Talls Two was and is my favorite bar in Kirksville—No! The world!

Then, well after my time at Truman State University, another fire claimed Too Talls—though not obliterating it entirely, thank Dog. The fire damaged a good portion of the wall decoration as well as the booths on the far wall, but the majority of the bar was still intact. It was later revealed to be an act of arson by the owner (and therefore insurance fraud, or so I heard). Under new ownership, the bar was restored and slightly revamped into Too Talls Two Inferno.

Upon revisiting Kirksville a year ago, I was mostly disappointed by the changes made for the Inferno. I much preferred the old Too Talls Two, the one I knew and loved.

But this past weekend, I found myself sitting once again in that beloved tavern, and I am quite pleased to bring you a review of the changes made in the past year…

Quick note to those who don’t understand: The reason I love Too Talls is mostly the architecture. It’s a woodsy tavern with some old-city-bar-style stained glass lamps and three tiers to the action. The ground level has the bar and several circular tables that set high enough above the ground that your legs dangle. There’s a pair of shoe-shine chairs sitting in the dead center of the bar, where the ground level meets the second level, which sets a few steps above. The second level used to have booths and small tables, and the back area with a Golden Tee machine and a couple more tables. In the far corner, more steps lead up to the mezzanine, where there used to be benches along the walls and tables and chairs filling up the rest of the balcony overlooking the rest of the bar (though there were three tiers, I might reinforce that it was one big open area).


To those who care:

There are a few more TVs, and they are much larger, including a projector screen in the corner where the Golden Tee machine used to be—the corner where shitty cover bands used to set up. Also, there are no more framed vintage photos along the walls. None of this is new since last year when I reported on the Inferno.

I’ll tell you the big new thing.

Couches. Leather couches. And a couple of upholstered chairs, too.

On the second level, where the booths were lost and replaced by more small tables last year, you still have the one big table next to the full-wall mirror, but the rest of it is now a boxed-in, square couch sort of deal (I never said I was good at explaining this stuff). But the leather couches, let’s be honest, are a step up from the uncomfortable-yet-still-somehow-cozy wooden booths of the old days. And you still have that sense of variety.

Variety. I love Too Talls because it is essentially a conglomerate of disparate cubbyholes for your posse, and you can see all of them at once. It really makes it hard to decide where to sit. You just love the whole bar.

On the mezzanine, you have another mix of classic wood table and chairs, new upholstered chairs, and a couch and coffee table. Inferno had done away with the big tables in favor of a pool table, but now there is shuffleboard instead. That’s right, shuffleboard. So the same number of douche bags can play a game, but it takes up less space so you can still have people sitting around. Economics.

The twin shoeshine chairs are no longer in the center, though. Right now, it’s just an empty dais, which suggests to me that they are still in transition. I wonder what will go in its place? I guess those old-time chairs didn’t fit with the new vibe of the place, but I miss them.

I never thought I’d say this, but… I think Too Talls is actually better than it was in my day! I still can’t vouch for the different drink specials, though… and you probably can’t beat the old days in terms of weeknight deals, but I like what I see. Also, it’s now illegal to smoke in bars in most of Missouri, so you don’t smell like an ashtray when you leave. Saves on laundry.

From what I understand, the bar is up for sale. That means some jackass could step in and ruin the whole thing. I guess I’m going to have to move up my timetable and become a billionaire right away, so I can buy it and rename it Too Talls Three. Then I would bring back Golden Tee, because Kirksville seems to have a deficiency in that department since Patterson’s closed and Ryan’s got rid of their broken one. Golden Tee… and the shoe shine chairs. Definitely. That’s all I would change, I think.

“It was like being inside joy. As if joy was something tangible you could wrap yourself up in like a blanket.”