The Shrine

Good news! I finally got my government grant to build a shrine to Herr Vogler. Initially, I was going to have it built in downtown KC, next to the symphony hall, but now that I’m here, I’m going to have it put right under the St. Louis Arch.

It’s going to be a hexagonal, two-story building with a giant statue on top reaching all the way up to the highest point of the arch. The statue will be of Herr Vogler holding a conductor’s baton in one hand and a dead tyrannosaurus rex in the other, and will be made of solid gold. Inside the shrine will be a museum of his life as well as several offertory chambers with incense and iron busts of all the people he has defeated in single combat, and the basement will be a fertility clinic. And every day at high noon, a bell will toll and a Republican will be sacrificed to appease him.

Why build a shrine to Herr Vogler? I’ll tell you why.

Herr Vogler drinks Pennzoil for breakfast.

When Herr Vogler walks down the street, homeless people give him change.

Herr Vogler can’t stand watching 24 because he considers Jack Bauer to be the “typical lazy American.”

When Herr Vogler goes golfing, he wears a kilt made of steel wool and carpet tacks.

Herr Vogler can fart the entire soliloquy from Hamlet. From memory.

Herr Vogler can communicate in binary code.

Herr Vogler put a stop to the Koosh ball fad of 1988.

When you sync up Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon with Herr Vogler, your face explodes.

Herr Vogler auditioned for the role of Megatron, but Michael Bay couldn’t handle it because he was “just too visually awesome.”

Herr Vogler sleeps in a bunk bed, giving the entire top bunk to his raging case of badass.

Herr Vogler once impregnated every girl in the Miss America pageant just by sitting in the seventeenth row.

Herr Vogler has a Bacon Number of negative 3.

Herr Vogler drank a Red Bull to give himself wings. He then ripped his wings out and marinated them in Caribbean Jerk sauce and sold the recipe to Buffalo Wild Wings for $9 million. He spent that money to buy George Foreman’s soul, which he then devoured without sauce.

Herr Vogler bleeds single malt Scotch.

Herr Vogler let the dogs out.

Herr Vogler is Darth Vader’s father.