Sacrifice

It’s hard to describe my state of mind since the botched heist and the wedding of two weekends ago. A lot of things seem to fall short of my expectations, while still others are cut out completely. I’m more or less fed up with depending on other people to help things improve. I’m even more fed up with not improving things enough myself. How do I describe it? I guess it’s part resolve, part responsibility, part jaded self-reliance. No more reaching out—time to withdraw into my own goals. In time, I will be vindicated. In the mean time, I do what I must.

My free time is being divided among the priorities that everyone seems to like to harp on me for. Funny how people demand my time even when they’re not around for it. It’s like I have assignments from people, and I have to explain myself when I don’t do what they think I have no excuse not devoting myself to. People only see output, not the time that goes into it. My responsibilities do seem to require solitude, don’t they? I haven’t been able to juggle these things in a very balanced manner, however. In order to do so, I have just started to sacrifice almost all of my leisure time (I had to watch Seinfeld season 9 first). I am a busy man, even though I have been able to goof off at work a lot lately.

I have short-term goals. I’m working towards them. I am not currently accepting suggestions on how to spend my time. I am doing what I have to do (although it is also, of course, what I choose to do).

As expected or predicted, this living arrangement is starting to cut into my opportunities. Game Day was fun, but this weekend is going to be particularly melancholy. Life Group is going on a retreat this weekend, but I can’t go. I can’t afford the time or the money, and it’s especially frustrating because I missed the last one, in January. I wanted to go, but again I miss out. Again I am on my own.

The alternative to the retreat would have been going with the karate club to a clinic in St. Louis on Saturday. Again I can’t go, again I miss out. I missed so many karate events already. I really wanted to go to this, since I couldn’t make the retreat. Plan C was to go to Springfield and intercept the Plochers on a family visit, but even that fell apart.

Instead, I will be doing a few other things (rather begrudgingly, I might add) out of necessity, not the least of which will be meeting roommate candidates. The other two guys are leaving at the end of December (which could really screw me over if I have to be “on” that whole time by myself).

So Fritz and I will have two new roommates starting in January. Meanwhile, I will be lucky to have 20 hours with my family over Thanksgiving or Christmas. Also, I had planned to visit Kirksville in December, but that is also being seriously threatened. These lost opportunities are really adding up. Am I complaining? I knew this would happen when I started here.

However, there is a distant, promising opportunity ahead: late February. Fritz is going to Key West for three weeks, leaving me responsibility-free. Assuming I will still have the same job, I will be sure to take some hard-earned vacation time so I can go… pretty much anywhere. Perhaps another road trip up into Canada, perhaps a visit to Massachusetts or North Carolina for some old friends, or perhaps Denver. The next Game Day will probably land on one of those weekends, too, since everyone else involved is most likely to be available at that time. So I have to hold out until February?

So be it. Necessity rules. I’m on my own, doing what I have to do. I’m tired of trying to contort things into something idyllic. I’m tired of being disappointed in other human beings and other circumstances—things outside my control anyway. Some things just aren’t going to work, and I’m tired of bothering. I’m tired of being let down by other people as well as myself.

But. Everything is as I have chosen it to be. Work, play, whatever. It could be argued that many of my “responsibilities” are self-appointed. Screw existentialism. There’s more than one definition to necessary. In the meantime, I “choose” to turn my back on the party to go walk alone in the rain. That’s pretty much my attitude for the past two weeks. I said it was hard to describe. Screw this. Screw people, screw indignity, screw expectations, screw laziness, screw work, screw procrastination, screw missing out, and screw anything short of complete physical and mental exhaustion.

Again, I said it was hard to describe. I guess I can sum it up like this: I’m constantly feeling slightly displaced from the groups I’m in, and I’m coming to embrace the distance. I’m constantly forced to be absent from group bonding or recreational experiences, and I’m coming to accept my deprivation. I’m tired of not delivering on the aspects that are within my control, and I’m coming to embrace my responsibilities. So I’m left to my own devices. Desolation—yes, that’s it. A sense of desolation and necessity that leads to grimly kicking ass.

I’ll do what I can. I’ll do what I must. I’ll do what I choose.

I need a cool facial scar.