A Pirate's Life
The time is right.
I had been abstaining from a certain few favorite film scores, so when I got back into them, they would be that much more potent… particularly Pirates of the Caribbean, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Yesterday was the warmest day since… uh… a long time ago. For my morning break, I walked to a photo shop in Brookside, listening to the beginning few (Shire) tracks of the complete recording of The Fellowship of the Ring, thinking how I would very much like to finally buy and read The Hobbit.
After the longest day of work ev-er, I cruised aimlessly around Brookside until I could decide what to do with my evening. Ultimately, I decided to drive to Lee’s Summit, go to Border’s (or is it just Borders?) and purchase The Hobbit. In the end, I couldn’t decide on an edition, so I left empty-handed. But, on my way there, the Michael Bay lighting enhanced my listening to The Island and Casino Royale.
So. There I was, in Lee’s Summit, head swimming with an unshakable, intense feeling of nostalgia I couldn’t decipher. Something was nagging at me—the feeling that no matter what I would end up doing for the evening, it would be a waste.
Besides, I just got my car back a couple days ago, and I just wanted to drive around and absorb music, relishing the warm weather. And that’s about what I did.
When I left Border’s, the sun was down, and a storm was flirting with the region, but not unleashing itself fully (at least not until after I got home). Semi-dark, sprinkling rain, slightly ominous sky… that’s when I put in the ol’ Black Pearl.
It was nearly transcendental. Overwhelming nostalgia… like if I could just put my finger on it, I could hold on to it and unleash the feeling on cue, when I had more time… say, this weekend. Nope.
That’s what happens when you have a boring job indoors while the weather is nice outside. You waste the whole evening just trying to figure out how to sufficiently and efficiently enjoy it. And then you realize it’s time for bed and you’ve done absolutely nothing. Stupid grown-up world… teaching us not to take free time for granted…
And, by the way, I still can’t put my finger on it. It’s far too abstract. I have this problem often, actually. Particularly when the seasons change. That’s why I should never go for a doctorate. Too much time spent reflecting on the abstract… trying to savor moments past, present, and future.
It’s the urge to seize the summer before it even hits. It’s the urge to grab a rapier and a tri-corner hat. It’s the urge to ride off into the sunset. It’s the urge to be unfettered, free, sailing into the eye of adventure—and danger. It’s all that and a bottle of rum.
The nostalgia element, I suppose, is me wishing I lived close to Lake Erie again. It’s me wishing I could go back to Kelley’s Island or Put-In Bay. It’s me wanting to get a carload of people to see Jack Sparrow. Ah, but that time will soon arrive once more…
Now... bring me that horizon... "And really bad eggs." Drink up me 'earties. Yo ho.
I look forward to senility.
posted by the warrior bard at 12:25 PM
30 Comments:
Aaaaand it's freezing again. Thanks, psychotic Midwestern weather.
Thursday, March 01, 2007 12:28:00 PM
“Look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?”
“You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile. ”
“I'm looking forward to it.”
“I think it’ll be a really smooth transition for you.”
Thursday, March 01, 2007 12:46:00 PM
I done learned to write good. Don't mean nuthin' to me if you people from the FEW-ture don't use no apostrophes.
Thursday, March 01, 2007 4:02:00 PM
Just remember that no one will respect if you go spewing your 'really bad eggs' over the side of the ship...again.
Friday, March 02, 2007 3:12:00 PM
Hey, that only happened twice. Three times. Ahem, six times.
At any rate, it will be a litte while before I bust out the ol' Dead Man's Chest... oh, but I want to hear it so badly! You're not really listening to it until you're listening to it with the windows down. And it's too COLD!
I can't wait until I have a third CD to add to the playlist. Oh man. I think Pirates of the Caribbean just may be the one I'm looking forward to the most this summer, surpassing even Spidey. Spider-Man 3... Ocean's 13... The Bourne Ultimatum... The Order of the Phoenix...
Well, Harry Potter stands out because it already has four movies under the belt, and I haven't read the books, so I am very interested to see where the saga goes...
But today, I accidentally stumbled across a Facebook group that gave too much away. I know two characters who apparently die by the sixth book. Thanks, Facebook, for spoilers. AAAARGH. This happens every time. You want to keep fresh when somethinng new comes out, but you're not caught up with the rest of the world, and you go online and find someone giving away plot twists and character deaths. THAT is thoughtless and inconsiderate. Thanks for ruining it. That's why we say *SPOILER ALERT* if we're about to go there.
How many times now, sitting at a coffee shop, have I actually had to plug my ears because the people at the table next to me were talking about their predictions for the next Harry Potter book.
And don't give me "Well, you shouldn't complain if you're not keeping up with the books. It's your own fault for falling behind."
NOT EVERYONE READS THE BOOKS. SOME OF US WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIES FIRST--AND NOT HAVE THE EXPERIENCE RUINED BY GOGGLE-EYED FANS DISCUSSING FUTURE EVENTS IN AN OPEN FORUM.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, summer movies. Facebook sucks anyway.
Friday, March 02, 2007 3:32:00 PM
I realize that I, too, have just given something of a spoiler by saying that two characters die in books five and six. Crap. Well, you kind of expect some death to occur, after how the fourth movie ended. So I haven't really given a spoiler. Nah, that's a teaser. Yeah. That's it, a teaser.
Friday, March 02, 2007 3:40:00 PM
Haven't read books 5 and 6, huh?
Yeah, it totally sucks that she kills off Harry at the end of book 6. I mean, how do you continue the story when you kill the title character?
Friday, March 02, 2007 4:32:00 PM
I wondered why the seventh book is titled Jeremy Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I guess now I know.
Friday, March 02, 2007 4:34:00 PM
You see, I read the books (because I love 'em!). Can one see the movies without doing so? Yes. Does one miss much by not reading them? Not necessarily. I know a lot of people grumble about what gets left out of the screenplay from these particular books. That's understandable but I don't complain. It's just too much information to translate to the big screen without making it 2 movies per book after book 4. Personally I think that the moviegoing experience of the Harry Potter films is enriched when reading the books first (that's just me, though).
It also helps that, while I may not necessarily see the movie play out in my head when I'm reading the books, I do enjoy hearing the actors' voices when reading the dialogue.
Friday, March 02, 2007 4:35:00 PM
Very true.
One of the main reasons I haven't read the books yet is that I'm too busy trying to catch up on the vast amount of Star Wars books before I stumble across more spoilers for them. You see? No matter where I turn, I'll be behind on something. I still haven't read any Tolkien.
The other reasons for not reading Harry Potter yet are:
2) I kind of wanted to watch all seven movies before starting the books, rather than mix and match my progress. That might be hard to reconcile.
3) I'm waiting for all seven in a box set. That is a noble cause, I think.
Friday, March 02, 2007 4:59:00 PM
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Saturday, March 03, 2007 7:49:00 AM
DID YOU KNOW?
Originally the popular children's literary character of Harry Potter was to have been named Harry Fodder.
YES IT'S TRUE!
The boy wonder wizard, Mr. Fodder, was to have died at the climax of each of the seven novels, only to be reinstated as the central figure in the next installment of the series without plausible explanation as to his presence.
Apparently, the original concept was that Harry wasn't all that adept at magic, and having gotten himself into quagmires of magic, good and evil, would meet his sticky end at the most untimely of times - leaving his school yard wizards in situ in the lurch.
Maybe you didn't know that before, but...
NOW YOU DO!
Saturday, March 03, 2007 7:51:00 AM
Oh my God, they killed Harry! You bastards!
Saturday, March 03, 2007 10:23:00 AM
Everyone knows the original name for Luke Skywalker was Luke Starkiller. But before that, the real original name, in the early early early draft, was Mace Windu. Sweet.
Saturday, March 03, 2007 10:25:00 AM
I love how quickly we digress.
Saturday, March 03, 2007 11:02:00 AM
speaking of spoilers...thanks for listing all the cool movies that are coming out this summer.
now i can't go to my local cinema and be surprised at what i can drop a Jackson on.
what's harry potter?
Monday, March 05, 2007 12:06:00 AM
At least I didn't give release dates. Oh, and I forgot about Live Free or Die Hard.
Monday, March 05, 2007 8:06:00 AM
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Monday, March 05, 2007 12:16:00 PM
Live Free or Die Hard... Live Free or Die Hard... Live Free or Die Hard...
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dan violently wakes from sweat-soaked nightmare. A German stereotype stirs next to him.
HILDA
(rubbing eyes)
Vat is it?
DAN
Oh, thank God. It was only a dream. For a second I thought that the director of a couple of vampire and werewolf bestiality movies was making a sequel to Die Hard.
HILDA
They're making another Die Hard?
DAN
Yup. Apparently you can't chuck enough Euro-trash off high things.
HILDA
But weren't they Russian in Die Hard 2? And they exploded--
DAN
They're all British, actually. Anyhow, exploding planes, falling from skyscrapers...
HILDA
But the last one, he blew up too. In a helicopter.
DAN
Proving that they're all height related.
HILDA
But it was close to the ground. Not high--
DAN
Hey, did you know that Hans Gruber was a character name lifted from Our Man Flint?
HILDA
(annoyed)
Ya, I did.
DAN
Yeah... well... you're an obscure reference!
Monday, March 05, 2007 12:18:00 PM
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
All of the Hogwarts professors, who happen to be secretly members of a Euro-trash terrorist network, close in around the house. They assume strategic positions in the shrubs and on the roof.
Jason Isaacs attaches the scope to his sniper rifle. He finds Hilda in his sights, through the bedroom window.
The bedroom light comes on. He watches Dan get up to go to the bathroom.
Isaacs
Oh, bollucks! I mean sheisse!
In the bush next to him, Alan Rickman signals the guys on the roof to stand by.
Rickman
What the devil are you waiting for? Take the tart out!
Isaacs
What about Dan?
Rickman
He's our secondary objective. But the wench must die!
Isaacs squints, exhales slowly, and fires.
THe window shatters in a slow-motion shot. Blood spatters the bedroom wall.
Monday, March 05, 2007 12:45:00 PM
INT. BEDROOM
A bloody werewolf carcass falls to the floor.
Hilda screams as Dan dives into the room, knocking her off the bed.
HILDA
Verewolf!
DAN
There. There wolf.
(pause)
Wiseman must have dispatched them.
HILDA
But your dissent... it vas just a dream.
DAN
Wiseman! Wise... man? Hello? Like an oracle and shit! He can see your dreams.
HILDA
Really? I never heard that? That's about as probable as a vampire and verewolf fuc--
BANG! BANG! BANG!
More shots ring out. Exploding drywall and tchotckes rain debris on the couple.
Hilda screams.
Dan pulls Hilda to her feet as they dash across the room towards the windowless hallway.
While running, Hilda glances out the window across the lawn.
HILDA
Jason Issacs?! Vat is he doing here?
They duck and roll into the hallway as the bedroom window explodes inwards with a deafening crack.
HILDA
Shitfuck!
Dan runs to the guest bath, and throws the lid off the toilet's water tank.
DAN
Well, it's commonly assumed that where Alan Rickman goes, Jason Issacs follows.
The sound of approaching ATVs.
DAN
What I don't understand...
He pulls a Ziploc bag holding a Walter PPK from within the tank.
DAN (cont)
... is why Jeremy Irons isn't here.
HILDA
Well, I think I can explain dat...
Hilda lifts her nightgown, to reveal a chromed hunting knife strapped to her inner thigh by a lacy garter.
DAN
How did did I miss that?
HILDA (cont)
The inclusion of Jeremy Irons vould muddy the tenuous justification for Jason Issacs inclusion. I mean, you might as vell include Villiam Sadler.
DAN
(checks the weapons chamber and snaps it shut)
Who?
HILDA
(draws her knife with a smile)
Exactly!
DAN
Oh, and Hilda...
HILDA
Ya?
DAN
They weren't Russians.
HILDA
Vat vere they?
The sound of an approaching helicopter become deafening and search lights illuminate the front of the house.
DAN
I have no idea.
Monday, March 05, 2007 1:31:00 PM
INT. GUEST BATH
The wall behind the toilet is blown away by a grenade, knocking Dan and Hilda into the tub for cover. Part of her nightshirt is torn away, foreshadowing gratuitous nudity.
Hilda reaches her hand over the rim of the tub and fires blindly into the yard.
Dan peeks over the rim and sees Tim carefully sprinting with an egg in his cupped hands.
Hilda
Vat is he doing?!
Dan
He's running with the egg. That's usually my job.
Dan takes the PPK and plants a bullet in the back of Tim's skull. He drops like a sack of potatoes.
Dan
I never miss.
Hilda
You miss ze toilet all ze time!
Dan
That's different.
Across the yard, the egg begins beeping. Dan tucks Hilda's head back below the rim of the tub in time to avoid another explosion.
They rise from the bathtub, pouring into the yard to exchange fire with the ATVs. In a shameless cameo, Eddie Izzard rides close enough for Dan to kick him off.
Dan
You're over-quoted!
Dan pistol-whips Izzard in the base of the skull and takes the radio from his belt. The impish voice of Warwick Davis is heard querying over the open channel.
Davis
Izzard, I need you and Brosnan on the roof, double-time! Lee and McKellan are here with the helicopter.
Dan sneers and holds the radio up to his mouth.
Dan
Izzard checked out.
Davis
Who is this?
Dan
Just a stupid daikini.
Dan turns to Hilda and hands her the radio.
Dan
Take this. Get on the ATV, and get to safety. Watch out for werewolves, and meet me at the pier.
Hilda
Pier? But Ve're in Missouri.
Dan
Just do it! I have an appointment to keep.
Dan begins to walk away.
Hilda
Vat are you going to do?
Dan stops and half-turns around, backlit by reddish orange fire.
Dan
I'm gonna bag me a chopper.
Monday, March 05, 2007 4:21:00 PM
INT. HELICOPTER CABIN
LEE
E.T.A. five minutes.
An uneasy silence fills the cabin. McKellen stares intently at Lee. He has a look of contempt on his face.
LEE
(terse)
What?
MCKELLEN
Oh, nothing.
With a sigh, Lee shifts his focus from piloting the helicopter to the sulking McKellan.
LEE
No, Something has got your knickers in a wad. Come off with it.
MCKELLEN
Well... it's just that--
LEE
Yes?
McKellan lets the counter balanced chain gun to slack at his side, and abruptly turns to Lee.
MCKELLEN
How could you wear that? Knowing that's what I was going to wear.
Lee glances at McKellen's brilliant white robes, beard and hair. He then caresses the trim of his own white robe.
LEE
Wear what? This old thing? What of it?
MCKELLEN
What of it? Come on, you limey git! Everyone knows that this is my trademark look!
What are they going to think when they see us dressed alike?
LEE
(stumbling)
That... we're in a... band?
MCKELLEN
No! I don't see why you couldn't have come in something else. You've got dozens of alternatives! All iconic. All great choices--
LEE
What, so I'm to believe that you're the King of White all of a sudden?
MCKELLEN
Black. A black cape--
LEE
Oh, bollocks. Here we go...
MCKELLEN
You're bloody Dracula!
LEE
Over forty years ago. Those fans are back in diapers now...
(wistful)
I was so much more than vampiric aristocracy. I played so many roles. So many. On the stage as well as film.
MCKELLEN
Name one!
LEE
Scaramanga.
MCKELLEN
A prosthetic nipple does not the thespian make.
LEE
I had a golden gun! Golden. Gun.
MCKELLAN
Lame.
LEE
I.. umm... I... I was also the Evil Sender!
MCKELLAN
That was a stupid film.
LEE
Stupid? h, I forgot, you weren't in the Da Vinci Code.
MCKELLEN
I was the only thing worth watching in that bloody wreck!
LEE
Wheelchair. Envy. Teabag.
MCKELLEN
(gasp)
I was endearingly disabled... with a cane most of the time. You bitch.
LEE
Regardless...
(strokes his beard)
I'm still partial to white.
(ponders)
Well, why didn't you come as Ma... Magenta, or whatever--
MCKELLEN
MAGNETO! Magneto, you... you, Count Dookie!
LEE
Point taken... but surely you are as easily identifiable as Ma--
McKellen shoots him a glance that would melt the sun.
LEE (cont)
--agneto... as you are as... whoever you are now. I can never pronounce that name.
MCKELLEN
At least mine doesn't sound near exactly like the villain of the film!
LEE
I WAS THE VILLAIN! What, you'd believe like the rest of those pussy fan boy dregs that a fucking EYE... an EYE... could upstage me!?
McKellen draws the chain gun, pointing out the side of the copter. He turns his back to Lee, visibly hurt.
A long silence.
LEE
Listen... I'm sorry I shouted at you.
(heavy sigh)
I'll tell you what. Next time Wiseman dispatches us to silence a dissenter, I won't harsh your mellow.
MCKELLEN
(raises his hand)
Quiet! We're almost there.
POV - THE CHAINGUN'S NIGHTSCOPE
MCKELLEN
What the deuce?!
LEE
What is it?
INT. HELICOPTER CABIN
MCKELLEN
It's Dan! That cunning bastard just garotted Brosnan!
LEE
Shitfuck!
MCKELLEN
And he's flipping us the bird! The impertinence!
(squints)
Wait!
LEE
What now?
POV - THE CHAINGUN'S NIGHTSCOPE
An impossibly closer cut.
MCKELLEN
Bloody Mary! He's got a thermal detonator!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007 1:38:00 PM
A quick revision of that last bit:
MCKELLEN
It's Dan! That cunning bastard just garotted James Bond!
LEE
Which one?!
MCKELLAN
All of them!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007 1:48:00 PM
EXT. ROOFTOP
Dan fiddles with the timer settings on the thermal detonator.
Dan
What the crap--how come they speak English, but the writing is all in fake heiroglyphics?
Ian McDiarmid tackles Dan from behind.
McDiarmid
Fool! Allow me to help you with that!
Dan
Damn... surrounded by Ians...
The chopper holds fire, unable to get a clear shot at Dan without hitting McDiarmid.
Dan
Get off me, you pigeonholed archetype!
McDiarmid
What?! I've had a VERY eclectic acting career!
Dan
A cameo in Sleepy Hollow doesn't count. You don't even have an original first name.
Dan and Ian McDiarmid grapple for a while longer, the thermal detonator rolling down the gutter of the roof. An explosion rocks the house, tossing McDiarmid off Dan's back.
Dan clutches his shoulder where a piece of debris grazed him.
McDiarmid brings himself up to a straight, menacing posture of renewed resolve.
McDiarmid
So be it... webdesigner. If you will not turn in favor of another Die Hard installment... you will - be - destroyed!!
McDiarmid raises his clawed hands towards Dan and begins making crackling sound effects, spraying spittle everywhere.
Dan blinks a few times, then turns his attention back to the helicopter.
Dan
You're going to have to do better than that, Sir Ian McKellan and Christopher Lee.
With all the other Brits engaged in werewolf shootouts on the ground, Dan is free to leap from the roof to the landing thingy of the chopper.
Dan
One ill Ian deserves another...
INT. HELICOPTER
Lee
Bloody hell. All right, I'll shake this wanker.
Dan reaches a hand up, taking hold of the interior of the canopy to hoist himself up.
Dan
What do you people want from me?! To admit that the Die Hard movies are incomplete without another film? To admit that Lethal Weapon 4 was actually pretty good? What do you want from me?!
McKellan
(chuckles)
You? My dear boy, whoever said I wanted you?
Dan
Enough with the gay talk, and stop quoting your own roles! Is it Hilda you're after?
McKellan
Primarily, yes. She is of great value to us.
Lee
Quiet, you fool! You've admitted to too much!
McKellan
But... isn't that what villains are supposed to do? I was just flaunting my secret plans like always...
Lee turns the chopper sharply, and Dan loses his grip. He falls...
Tuesday, March 06, 2007 2:07:00 PM
... with McKellen tumbling out behind him.
LEE
(smirks)
Oh. Damn. What have I done.
Dan and McKellen fall well over a hundred feet and land, relatively unharmed, on the conspicuously flat roofed building.
EXT. ROOFTOP
DAN
Who knew that there were so many warehouses in a residential area.
McKellen pulls himself to his feet, beard askew, but unscathed.
MCKELLEN
Bloody hell! I'm alive. I didn't even break my legs.
DAN
Just like in Die Hard with a Vengeance, biyatch!
Dan hauls off and decks McKellen, knocking him from the roof of the single story building. He impacts the well-manicured lawn below and explodes.
McDarmid wipes his chin, cackling. The radio on his belt crackles to life.
WARWICK DAVIS (OS)
The werewolves, why are they attacking the British actors?! They've turned on us.
Dan grasps McDarmid's belt in one hand, and spins him with the other. He boots him in the ass, propelling him from the roof, whilst yanking the radio from his garment.
DAN
(into the radio)
It's because limey meat drives them into a blood lust.
McDarmid impacts with the ground below, turning into a pink Hello Kitty backpack on impact.
WARWICK DAVIS (OS)
Dan? Is that you?
DAN
You bet your sweet bippy, it is.
WARWICK DAVIS (OS)
And did you... did you take McDarmid's radio and then kill him?
Dan picks up a small strange handgun conveniently dropped on the roof by McKellan. Must have been strapped to his ankle or something.
DAN
Sure.
WARWICK DAVIS (OS)
Dammit! It's not like we have an unlimited supply of recognizable British actors for you to steadily dispatch for communications purposes. Just... hold on to this
radio, please?
DAN
(takes aim at Lee's helicopter)
No problem.
He casually squeezes the trigger. With virtually no delay, the helicopter is obliterated in a mighty - and entirely not to scale - explosion.
DAN
Groovy.
WARWICK DAVIS (OS)
What was that?
DAN
What?
WARWICK DAVIS (OS)
That... sounded like a cricket. Are there crickets on your end? I definitely heard a cricket.
DAN
Uh, no. Sounds like a personal problem to me.
Dan scrambles to the gutter's downspout, and shimmies down into the
BACKYARD
Walking briskly, he tosses the radio off screen, into the hands of...
Hilda.
DAN
Here, take this.
(pause)
Hey, I thought I told you to wait for me at the pier?
Hilda takes the radio and drops it into a knapsack full to the brim with identical radios.
HILDA
Ya, you did.
Dan stops. A long pause.
DAN
Good.
Another long pause. The two eventually look nervously around - waiting for something.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007 2:44:00 PM
For no apparent reason, the scene abruptly flashes forward to the next day.
EXT. BACKYARD - DAWN
Dan, somehow having procured a shotgun, blasts the last ATV-riding opponent. Dan's and Hilda's shirts are both torn generously, exposing somehow-perfectly-tanned flesh.
Hilda
Vat do ve do now?
Dan
We find Warwick Davis and finish this.
Without looking, Dan holds the shotgun upside down over his right shoulder and shoots a werewolf in the head, dropping it.
Dan
Bitchin'.
A metallic clunking is heard--slowly and deliberately approaching from behind.
The two heroes turn to face the new threat.
Dan
Mother of pearl...
Hilda
Muzzafokker...
Patrick Stewart and Kevin Kline, riding a colossal metal spider, grin down at them.
Stewart
It appears your time here is at an end, my friends.
Dan
Hey! You're supposed to always be a good guy!
Stewart
Well, I am British, you see.
Kline
Mm. Yes. Indeed.
Stewart moves a lever, and an alloy leg lashed out at them. Dan leaps impossibly high above the leg, which plants deeply into the ground where he stood a second before.
Hilda begins firing her PPK at the two Brits until her clip runs out. The actors are unscathed.
Kline
Mm. Yes. Indeed.
Stewart
Very gallant, you obsequious propogator.
Dan
I----what? That didn't make any sense. Obsequious?
Stewart
With a push of this button, you will be intimated as a mere proliferation of protrusive candor.
Dan
...WHAT? No. No, no.
Kline
Mm. Yes. Indeed.
Dan
Stop doing that!
Hilda
Ya, can't you say anysing else?
Dan
Wait a second. I see what's going on here. Stewart uses only big words, but he doesn't know what they mean!
Stewart
Intrebutate breferior! You will perish under my holmenderation!
Dan
Those aren't even words!
Hilda
Zat means he's veakening!
Dan
Mr. Stewart! What is the subspace diffusion halflife of thaleron radiation after recalibration for emission from the main deflector dish?
Stewart
Well, I don't know, I--
Patrick Stewart's head explodes, showering sparks over the yard. Dan and Hilda both crouch down with their arms shielding the sparks.
[crane shot around Dan as he slowly stands up to face Kevin Kline]
Dan
Guess you'll need a new captain, Number One.
Kline
You haven't a clue, do you.
Hilda looks at Dan, bewildered.
Kline
I was the genius all along! HAHAHAHA!!! I love when the big plot twist is to reveal the dim-witted sidekick to be the brains of the operation...
Dan
Really? 'cause... I hate it.
Dan dive-rolls to the side, pulling out twin handguns he didn't have in the previous scene, shooting in slow motion as he sails through the air.
Each of the flawlessly aimed bullets hits a leg of the robotic spider, causing a circuit overload. The spider collapses, and Kline tumbles forward onto the grass.
Hilda and Dan flank him, guns trained on his head.
Hilda
It's over, Kline.
Kline
I performed Shakespeare!
Dan
So did Stewart.
Numerous SWAT vans and FBI agents arrive on the scene to take Kline in.
Dan
What kept you guys?
The Feds erupt in inexplicable, unison laughter, some of them slapping Dan on the back in camaraderie.
Dan walks over to Hilda, both of them covered in cuts and bruises.
Hilda
Vat happens now?
Dan
Well, baby, there are still Brits out there. There's plenty of mopping up to do. This ain't over yet...
Hilda kisses him, and the camera slowly pulls back into an overhead view of the carnage from the night before...
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dan violently wakes from sweat-soaked nightmare. A German stereotype stirs next to him.
HILDA
(rubbing eyes)
Vat is it?
DAN
Oh, thank God. It was only a dream. For a second I thought that the director of a couple of vampire and werewolf bestiality movies was making a sequel to Die Hard... wait a second. This is all so very familiar...
Hilda reaches over and turns on the lamp.
Dan
GET DOWN!
Dan grabs her and takes her to the floor just in time to avoid a sniper's bullet... even though in the original scene a lot more time elapsed between the awakening and the shooting.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007 3:45:00 PM
OVERHEAD ANGLE
Dan looks to the sky. Rage takes over. His face contorts in a positively
Shatnerian way. He picks up a radio from seemingly nowhere.
DAN
(into radio)
KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAN!
CUT TO:
A wide shot of the surface of a dead moon. The camera pulls back slowly.
DAN (OS)
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
CUT TO:
The sands of a white beach on some far flung tropical island.
DAN (OS)
KHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
The camera pans to Mr. Roarke, stunningly tan and pristinely dressed in a white suit.
MR. ROARKE
Revenge is a dish best served cold, Cap-i-tain. But yours will not be. It will served after sitting out in the hot summer sun for a very, very long time. Hope you like dysentery.
He begins laughing uncontrollably.
DAN (OS)
You bast--
Mr. Roarke snaps off the radio, smiling, and drops it into a silver platter held aloft by a dark-haired midget in a matching tuxedo.
MR. ROARKE
(chuckles)
Excellent.
(cavalier)
Tattoo, how goes the unloading at the dock?
TATTOO
Excellent, boss.
MR. ROARKE
You know, Tattoo, no one would imagine how hard it is to marshal a zoo on a tropical island. I mean, getting couples back together... child's play, but this is really...
A distant explosion can be heard.
MR. ROARKE
It's just really hard, that's all.
TATTOO
(increasingly confused)
Dat kid had... better...
An whine is heard in the distance, but drawing nearer.
Tattoo drops the platter to his side, and points off-camera. Skywards.
TATTOO
Uh, boss...
MR. ROARKE
A variety of creatures from all over the Earth. Some from the arctic even, my little friend. That's going to blow little Billy's mind.
TATTOO
Boss! Boss! De plane!
MR. ROARKE
(annoyed)
What is it Mini-me! I'm monologuing here...
TATTOO
Mini-me?! Hey, asshole, I don't have to take dis shit off you! I co-starred with Christopher Lee! Christopher Fucking Lee!
The squabbling duo cannot hear the deafening roar of a very large, very heavy object coming their way.
MR. ROARKE
Oh, just because you were Dracula's pool boy, now you think--
TATTOO
At least my pecs are real!
Mr. Roarke grabs Tattoo by the collar, and raises his hand to strike.
MR. ROARKE
You bitch!
Suddenly, the front half of a large passenger airliner enters frame, hurtling
towards the impeccable white sands, and our antagonists!
TATTOO
SHIT!
MR. ROARKE
FUCK!
The airliner impacts the beach, breaking into dozens of carefully planned pieces as to leave only the interesting and beautiful people... save one fat guy who consistently breaks the laws of thermodynamics weekly.
Mr. Roarke and Tattoo, and the rest of the beach compound, are destroyed in the fiery chaos. The fantasy zoos future denizens scatter for the jungle, as we
FADE TO
A dark room. Ancient tomes line shelves along the walls of the dimly lit space.
Two figures enter the room, and walk up behind
WISEMAN
sitting at a typewriter.
WISEMAN
There it is, schmuck. Read it and weep.
The figure to Wiseman's left steps into the light.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Holy crackers! What a twist!
WISEMAN
Yes, I know. It's diabolical. It confuses, confounds--
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Just like the Riddler.
Wiseman looks at the hack over his shoulder quizzically.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Gorshin.
WISEMAN
You're damn right Gorshin.
(high fives Shyamalan)
And you, Master? Does it please you?
The other figure steps dramatically forth from the shadows. The camera pushes in.
MR. T
I pity the foo... that read this whole thing.
FADE OUT.
THE END
Wednesday, March 07, 2007 11:59:00 AM
ROLL CREDITS
... to a garishly out-of-place pop/rock song that completely undermines the tone of the ending scene... perhaps Maroon 5 or some equally irritating, shitty band.
Let us never speak of this again.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007 12:16:00 PM
Eh...umm......
......WHA?!?!
Monday, March 12, 2007 4:10:00 AM
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