Zombie Survival Tips

For a while, Amanda Plocher was actually taking “guest posts” on her blog. Strangely, I was the only one to take her up on the offer. On January 31, I finally sent her the following to post on her blog.
Lately, the threat of a zombie apocalypse has been a prevalent concern in conversations everywhere. It’s in the air, it’s on our minds… so I dug up this old post from Amanda’s site and now present it to you. Pay heed:


Many of you probably think that a zombie apocalypse will never happen, or that it couldn’t happen in your area. It’s exactly that sort of mentality that allows these things to happen in the first place. It’s important that you are prepared for anything life can throw at you. After all, you pay insurance, don’t you? How is a zombie apocalypse any different than a house fire or car accident? Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Don’t be complacent. Be prepared. It’s not a question of “if,” but “when.” Here are some helpful hints on preparing for the inevitable zombie apocalypse…

1) Start stocking lots of canned food. The idea is that you could be holed up for months without having to leave the house. Reducing your need to venture out into the open could save your life.

2) Also stock up on guns and ammo. Melee weapons (such as baseball bats, pitchforks, and shovels) are all right if you’re in a bind, but some zombies can use those against you. Besides, guns can kill zombies from a safe distance—say, from the roof of a shopping mall.

3) Stay away from wooded areas. They only seem to amplify evil. Dealing with zombies is bad enough; you don’t want to mess with demon possession on top of that. I don’t even have any tips on how to handle that sort of thing. So if you live in the woods, move. Preferably to somewhere with an outdoor pool. Hey, you can set up an anti-zombie perimeter around a pool. You might as well live it up. It’s an apocalypse, after all.

4) Don’t be a hero. It’ll get you either killed or zombified. If you see someone get attacked by zombies, don’t bother rescuing them. Just put one in their forehead and run away. Even if you could rescue them, chances are they’ll compromise your safety later on. It’s better to have fewer zombies running around than to have a hazardous friend tagging along. Unless they have the cure, don’t bother.

5) Always wear appropriate footwear. Vel-cro sneakers are the best, because you are guaranteed not to trip over your shoelaces at an inopportune moment. What, are you too good for vel-cro? They’re zombies, they don’t care what you look like! You’re so vain.

6) Headshots or decapitations only. Don’t waste time with body shots. Zombies take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. It’s best to put them down immediately and definitely. This may seem obvious to some of you, but you’d be surprised how many people lose their rational thought in the middle of a zombie firefight. You might even want to draw a picture of a zombie on your arm, with a red circle around the head, just so you don’t forget. Then proceed to decapitate everyone you see, just to be sure. Some zombies aren’t full zombies yet. Better safe than sorry.

7) Don’t stay calm. Panic. It’s much more gratifying, and theatrics just might save your life.

8) Conserve your gasoline. It’s best to stay in a hideout with lots of food, drinks, and video games. But if you absolutely have to go out, you should have several 10-gallon jugs of gasoline hidden somewhere. Stock up on them in advance, because after a few weeks of a zombie apocalypse, most gas stations won’t even be working anymore. And you certainly don’t want to be ambushed while you’re filling up! Some zombies carry those windshield wiper things, so you think they work at the gas station, and you’re like, “Oh, thanks, my windshield is a little dirty.” And you keep filling up with gas, minding your own business, and then BAM!—you’re a zombie too. Is that what you want? Is it?

9) In the event of a zombie apocalypse, you should immediately loot Best Buy before the zombie population gets out of hand. The first time you see a zombie attack on the news, just go straight to Best Buy. You’re going to need a lot of DVDs when you’re living along in your safe house. Most importantly, you should take the entire zombie movie selection. That way, you have study material.

10) When boarding up your windows and doors, don’t skimp. Any self-respecting horde of zombies can eventually burst through boards. Use lots and lots of nails, crazy glue, and several rolls of duct tape for good measure. Actually, after looting Best Buy, you might want to make a run to Lowe’s, to find material to make a really cool retractable metal sheet to armor your house. And you should totally paint a skull-and-crossbones on each of your barriers. If the associate helping you asks if you have brains, immediately decapitate him or her. And if the nametag says “Steve,” just go ahead and decapitate him anyway. I never trusted Steve.

11) What happens during a zombie apocalypse STAYS in the zombie apocalypse. That means that if someone actually does find a cure or otherwise manages to eradicate the zombies and life returns to normal, don’t worry about all those people you decapitated or the stores and gas stations you looted. People will understand. Just go back to what you were doing before it all went down. You might want to ask your landlord if you can keep the barricades you set up, and whether it will cost you your safety deposit. Hey, this is a real world we live in. I would hold on to those zombie movies, though… just because the zombies are all gone doesn’t mean there can’t be ANOTHER apocalypse. You might as well be ready for that, too.

I hope you find these tips helpful. There are many other things you can do to help ensure your survival of a zombie apocalypse, but this is a start.

Remember: a helpless civilian is just another zombie in waiting.

If I see you out there, don’t decapitate me. I can’t promise I’ll do the same for you, but… I can promise I’ll hesitate and maybe even feel bad about it later. Good luck.