Them Changes

I hate this blog. I do. Anymore, I post mostly out of obligation, which is apparently reflected in my tone. When I do post (what, once a week? Less?), I’m always self-conscious about what kind of impression people who only see me once every two years or so might get. Basically, this blog isn’t always something I’m comfortable everyone reads.

I’m too private a person to go on a discourse of every little thing that happens in my life, so I end up giving no information at all. After talking in person to a couple of my “readers,” I also noted that, more often than not, that which I do select for publishing ends up painting an inaccurate picture.

Furthermore, 50% of the initial purpose of this blog was to discuss/promote my music, which obviously I don’t do. I realize now that that function will have to be saved for when I get my own website. I’ll probably bribe Dan to be the webmaster. But that’s after grad school, when I need to sell my services as a composer.

I try to put a positive spin on things, believe it or not. My sister described this blog as “bleak,” whereas Dan used the word “embittered.” Ah, how easy it would be for me to turn this website into highly amusing yet belligerent prattle, such as so many rants that were had in the composition lab at Truman… I can already see Brad patting his fingers together, chuckling ,”Excellent… Tim’s blog is finally fulfilling its destiny!”

Ah, but the true purpose of this blog is to keep people up to date—in my own words, not my mom’s posting in the family newsletter—on what I’m doing. Everyone from Natalie Luke to Aaron Marx, from Josh Gilman to Josh Spiegel. Everyone from Warren Gooch to Anabelle Tirado. Everyone from Bryant Knapp to Eric Banks. Everyone from Dean “The Reverend” Yzon to David “Solid Snake” Isgrig.

This just doesn’t work. Half of the people I’m thinking about probably have forgotten this page exists, anyway. There really doesn’t seem to be anything happening to post about. Just the same old, same old. But that’s from my point of view. Apparently people still want to know what’s up, so I keep posting.

Usually I feel like a hypocrite for even having a blog. It’s quite the paradox, really. Why do I even keep it up?

Ultimately, this blog is a source of aggravation. A major source. This blog is going through an existentialist period of self-loathing, wondering if it’s even worthwhile to go on, and I’m the one standing on the street below telling it to jump.

So. Short of deleting this whole website (which I’ve almost done at least 4 times already, I’m not kidding), the solution is to type this huge disclaimer which you just read, and level with you all like this once in a while. For me to like having my own blog, maybe I should be treating it differently…maybe I should model it more like Dean’s website from back in the day—full of obscure, allegorical ranting. Or maybe it would help if some of you non-posters would email me once in a while, so I know who the demographic really is. Of course, that defeats the purpose again, doesn’t it? If I were going to keep up with emailing everyone, I wouldn’t have registered for this blog in the first place! There just isn’t time for that. On the other hand, I have to wonder who exactly reads this thing.

At any rate, expect this blog to take a new direction. What direction that may be remains to be seen.