The Captain and the Amazing Brando
Long story short, the Captain and the Amazing Brando thwarted the Creepy Bunnies when they came to check on my progress on the Shrine of Vogler. It was... well, amazing. Since I can't just pick up and move to KC to get back on the Shrine of Vogler project to appease the Creepy Bunnies, I have been instead pouring my efforts into creating Robot Hilda Mark II, with a few improvements in the design.
So far it looks like this summer is going to be more of the same, at least socially speaking. That is to say, my posse consists of the Captain and his sidekick, the Amazing Brando, who by this point has become less of a sidekick and more of a spinoff. But that's another story. Another amazing story.
I guess the Amazing Brando is sort of a new element to the blog, though referred to in passing many times. What can I say, the man needs no introduction. He's amazing.
Anyway, since I don't have any leads for Operation Move Back To Kansas City Already (we have top men working on a better codename), the status quo shall remain indefinitely. Games and/or movies with two friends once a week... hey, I can't complain about that. Repeated run-ins with their arch-nemesis, Ghost Ninja Demon Fairy Truck Driver. And when Robot Hilda Mark II is complete, perhaps I can finally get back on track in Kansas City and avert a war with the Creepy Bunnies. Countless lives depend on it.
Thank God for the Captain and the Amazing Brando. I think I can sum it up in three words: exploding pygmy werewolves.
posted by the warrior bard at 9:42 PM
12 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 9:55:00 AM
... exploding pygmy werewolves.Yes, but they explode because they are happy.
Word Verification: cultest
Dude, this comet religion is the cultest!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 9:57:00 AM
word verification: congspan
I have nothing else to report.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 8:32:00 PM
I'm not going to tread on your blog. I'm going to stomp on its neck. Then I'm going to clamp its nipples. Then I'm gonna waterboard it. Then I'm going to hold its eyelids open and force it to watch The O'Reilly Factor intercut with Youtubed sermons from your parents' preacher.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 8:41:00 PM
"Had I the Heavens' embroidered cloths, enwroght with golden and silver light, the blue and the dim and the dark cloths of night and light and the half light. I would spread the cloths under your feet; but I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under you feet;
Tread softly, because you are treading on my dreams...
...*inhales*...Fuck man! That is some good shit!!! Anybody want a hit of this?! FUCK!!! Good shit...hey pass the Cheetos man, I'm seriously hungry over here! Nipple clamps man...far out! Hey man...I fuckin' hate werewolves man, that shit is fucked up! Oooh, and BEES! I fuckin' hate bees man!!! What if there were like, giant bees...and they joined forces with the pygmy werewolves. We'd be so fucked man...FUCKED!!!
God damnit this is some good shit! What is this shit, man?!?!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 1:37:00 AM
I'm sorry, I'd like to apologize for him...I'm afraid he just hasn't been the same since the...incident.
Anyway, we have him sedated now, and he's resting comfortably in his cage, err...room.
You know...the secret to a good code name is to make it as strange and obscure and unrelated to the actual mission as possible:
Operation: Mongoloid Weasel Baby Bundtcake...just a thought.
I'm FREEEEEE!!!!What was that?!
I'm FREE! I can FLY!Ahhh hell!
I can FLY...I'm a FLYER! I can fly higher and HIGHER!Someone get security please!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!NOW!!!
Hey...what's that?!Don't touch that!
Hey man...lemme see!STOP THAT! Don't TOUCH THAT!
Hey, you get HBO on this thing man?!?!I SAID DON'T TOUCH!
What's this button do?![error]
STOP THAT DAMN YOU!
[error] [beep] [error]
Hey man, didn't your mom ever teach you to share?SECURITY!!!
What's this man?! [critical error]
STOP IT
LEMME SEEQUIT IT
GIMMEGO AWAY
It's my turn, man!asdfajsdfg;sdfg;sdfgsdfasdw23r234978 aawerasei3t5478956 faa
GRRRRREasT!@2 yOOOOOuy br4okeee itt!~~
Nnnoottr MY faullt5 man!2 Ittt was tyOU!!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 2:41:00 AM
Heeeeyyyy, man! So like...if he's, you know, the "Amazing" Brando - is there like, an Ordinary Brando? Or maybe, you know like, a Not Particularly Spectacular Brando? Or how about just "Brando". What happened to THOSE dudes man?!Dammit! I said get OFF that!
Hey, NO man! Lay off!Back to your room...NOW!!!
Hey...you're a DICK, man!!!Again, I apologize. I thought we had this situation under control. Apparently we've got some work to do.
...NAZI DOUCHEBAG! FACIST!!!BACK TO YOUR ROOM!!! Again...so sorry!
...your not my father! Hey...are those BEES, man?!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 4:07:00 AM
Sorry sonny, we can't go to the ball game...Daddy's been hittin' the pipe pretty heavy this week!
Fucking typos - fascist not facist...
...what the fuck's a FACIST?!?!
word veri: qualvat - I took three of those before I started typing last night...trippy!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:50:00 AM
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:56:00 PM
Swine Flu Zombie Apocalypse
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:57:00 PM
My parents don't go to that preacher anymore anyway.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 5:53:00 PM
INT. DINER - DAY
The diner is a narrow rectangle with booths lining three windowed walls, a long counter encompassing the back wall directly facing the entrance.
Enter THE CAPTAIN.
The Captain surveys the scene. In one corner is a burly man, GHOST NINJA DEMON FAIRY TRUCK DRIVER, sitting alone with his head tilted down beneath his hat. Although it's bright as shit outside, and all the blinds are open, his face is still covered in shadows somehow. He takes a sip of coffee, eying the newcomer. At the counter are several throw-away extras, some of which are drinking bottles of orange cream soda. The booth next to the door is full of four Kevin Klines, completely absorbed in their conversation, tuning out the rest of the world.
The waitress behind the counter is washing a glass and nods to the Captain. He takes a puff from an expensive-looking cigar and chuckles to himself.
THE CAPTAIN
God DAMN it's a fine day for battling zombie Nazis with chainsaws for hands. I'd like a menu, please.
WAITRESS
Sure. Would you like a booth, or did you want to sit at the counter?
GHOST NINJA DEMON FAIRY TRUCK DRIVER
[From the far corner, his low voice isn't muffled a bit. His voice is a deep monotone, vaguely Southern, and something like a white guy trying to sound like Barry White.]
I can see you...
The Captain and the waitress look over at him, and give a slow, polite yet dismissive nod.
THE CAPTAIN
[taking a seat at the counter]
Here's fine. Say, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Called the Amazing Brando. You seen him?
GHOST NINJA DEMON FAIRY TRUCK DRIVER
Yeah, I seen 'im. Just like I seeee yoouuu.
THE CAPTAIN
Uh, yyeah. Sure.
GUY AT COUNTER
Wait, the Amazing Brando? The Amazing Brando? You know him?!
THE CAPTAIN
Sure do.
The Captain takes a self-satisfied puff from his cigar, speaking to everyone without actually making eye contact.
THE CAPTAIN
We go way back, Brando and me. Heh heh. That's why they call me the Captain.
Waitress
[beat]
What does that mean?
THE CAPTAIN
[chuckles]
Exactly.
A dude from the street walks in, out of breath, eyes wide, gesturing with his thumb back outside.
DUDE FROM THE STREET
Dude. Did you guys see that? That was amazing.
WAITRESS
Oh, you mean the exploits of the Amazing Brando? Yeah, it's all over the news.
She nods towards the television above the counter. The Captain swivels on his stool to regard the dude from the street, but suddenly Ghost Ninja Demon Fairy Truck Driver is inexplicably standing between the two of them.
THE CAPTAIN
G'AHH!!
GHOST NINJA DEMON FAIRY TRUCK DRIVER
I know what he did... the Amazing Brando... I saw you with him.
A goth chick comes out of the ladies' room and waves at the dude from the street.
GOTH CHICK
Hi Zane. You want to head out?
GHOST NINJA DEMON FAIRY TRUCK DRIVER
I could see you... takin' that dump...
GOTH CHICK
Creepy...
KEVIN KLINE
It was rather amazing, wasn't it?
KLINE TOO
Indeed it was. Amazing.
KLINE AS WELL
Truly amazing. I've never seen anything like it.
ANOTHER DAMN KLINE
Nor have I.
GUY AT THE COUNTER
[shakes his head, reverently]
Amazing.
GOTH CHICK
What... the fuck are you guys talking about?
DUDE FROM THE STREET / ZANE
The Amazing Brando. Didn't you see him?
GOTH CHICK
No, why? What did he do?
GUY AT THE COUNTER
Oh, it was amazing. Just amazing.
THE CAPTAIN
Heh. That's why they call him the Amazing Brando.
GUY AT THE COUNTER
Yes, thank you, Captain Obvious.
THE CAPTAIN
My work here is done. Woosh.
The Captain sets the menu down and steps down from his stool to leave, but bumps into DAN and a guy in a chicken suit as they enter.
DAN
What the hell?
THE CAPTAIN
What the hell?
A GUY IN A CHICKEN SUIT
What the hell?
The Captain nods at them and brushes past.
DAN
That guy looked just like...
A GUY IN A CHICKEN SUIT
You'd be surprised how often that happens.
GHOST NINJA DEMON FAIRY TRUCK DRIVER
[standing right in front of Dan, menacingly]
I see you...
DAN
Uhhh... yeah you do. You're standing two feet away from me.
WAITRESS
Have a seat, guys. I'll be right with you.
DAN
Actually, all I want is an orange cream soda.
The entire diner bursts into tortured wails.
KLINE AS WELL
Ohhhh, WHY?!
WAITRESS
[tears streaming down her face]
You bastard!
DAN
What? What did I say?
Dan looks around, bewildered. A guy in a chicken suit just ruffles his feathers nervously.
Cut to: overhead shot of entire diner. Ghost Ninja Demon Fairy Truck Driver is nowhere to be found.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 6:39:00 PM
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