Octoberness

Last year, I promised myself I’d make up for a crappy October and a practically nonexistent Halloween by doing it all this year. I freakin’ love October, and Halloween is just a fun time to be a consumer whore. But I’m not here to analyze. I’m here to spread the wealth. I present your “homework assignment,” a scavenger hunt of sorts. You must do these things this month… or you will die unhappy.

1) Go to a corn maze. Hayrides are an optional addendum (I myself am fiercely allergic and therefore do not list them as mandatory). Listen to Prisoner of Azkaban on the way there and back.

2) Watch Trick ‘r Treat, the upcoming thriller by Bryan Singer.

3) Eat Reese’s Pieces. Lots and lots of them.

4) For that matter, eat a caramel apple, too. You can manage that, can’t ya? Huh? Ahhhh, sure ya can.

5) Go to a pumpkin patch, pick out a few to take home. Carve them while watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charle Brown and Garfield’s Halloween Adventure.

6) Go to Borders, order a hot apple cider, and read the Alvin Schwartz Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark trilogy for old time’s sake.

7) While you’re at it, go ahead and add a pumpkin spice latte from Panera (aka St. Louis Bread Co.) to the beverage list.

8) And pumpkin spice ale. I recommend Harvest Moon (Blue Moon seasonal). Yes, I realize that half of this list is food and drink.

9) Go to Yankee Candle and sniff the seasonal candles until they kick you out. Then tell them that you lost your sense of smell three years ago, and that you were just testing their hospitality, and that they failed.

10) If you can swing it, marshmallow roasts are the shizzle. Combine with liberal repetitions of #8.

11) Prey upon the fears of the children of the neighborhood. In time, they will do the same to the next generation. Scare the crap out of them and then laugh in their frightened faces. Make-a da world go ‘round.

12) Take your most gullible or skittish friend(s) out to the woods in the middle of the night. Fake car trouble. Have them wait for you at the car while you go up the gravel road to “get help.” As for the rest… just do what comes naturally.

13) Purchase Last Night on Earth. It’s like Clue, but with zombies. It’s a great, great, great party game.

14) Play Frisbee while you still can. It’s going to get cold very soon.

15) Adopt a black cat from the shelter and give it “wounds” using stage blood. Sneak it into the neighbor’s house via unlocked window while they’re out.

16) Sneak into a farmer’s field and move the scarecrow closer to their house by about fifty feet or so—just enough to be noticeable. Creepy.

17) Just once, rake leaves into a big pile and jump into it. Just once. Then stand up, dust yourself off, and remember that you’re not a kid anymore.

18) Now is the perfect time to go hiking, because it’s not terribly hot out, the insects are disappearing, and the trees look nice.

19) Evil Dead marathon. Do it. DO IT.

20) Halloween party, of course. Earn the traditional First-of-November hangover. Halloween, after all, falls on a Friday this year.


Well, you have 31 days. Get to it.