300th Post: The Story So Far

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Voice-over by Michael Emerson:

Previously on Land of Song…

It was a time of darkness, a time of treachery, a time of peril for a grad student in music composition. Jerry Goldsmith had passed, leaving a lightless void where once stood a brilliant beacon of hope. The musical climate was shifting in the wake of this terrible blow, though none at Bowling Green State University were aware. The warrior bard found himself alone in a world of duplicity and manipulation, a world where far greater threats than the mere lack of Goldsmith’s Hollywood influence lurked beyond every corner.

The warrior bard would need a place to tell his tale, a land of song. The blog was forged in the image of Herr Vogler’s realm until much later, when it came into its own with a unique template. Though the blog had the purest of intentions (including even a self-proclaimed G rating), the pikey was quick to sow the seeds of abrasion with prodigious applications of the word “fuck” and its variations.

Meanwhile, other forces pulled the blog in their own direction, resulting in a very delicate (and often disrupted) balance among inside jokes, composition exploits, escapism, irritable rants, and many others. This struggle for dominance is the core of the blog’s own existential angst.

On the front lines, Dr. Lillios, who had already been identified as an antagonistic figure, inadvertently precipitated a tribal war between Finale and Sibelius cultists. This brought an unlikely hero out of the shadows: Captain Obvious, who later became known simply as the Captain, a true action hero in every sense, immortalized in a fight with undead Nazis with chainsaws for hands, atop a flaming zeppelin as it crashed into prehistoric shark-infested waters.

The Captain’s powers of Scathing Wit and unexpected wisdom proved to be a necessary counteroffensive to the Thesis Wars. Indeed, nearly since the very beginning of the blog, the Thesis had seized control over much of this land of song, enslaving those it conquered and publicly executing those who resisted. This monolithic menace was shaping everything to its will.

The battlefronts in this conflict were raging simultaneously: the New Music and Arts Festival, the New Music Ensemble, Praecepta, composition master classes, gamelan, Aural Skills assistanceship, and countless others. Truly these were the days of the most epic battles, revealing mighty champions on both sides.

The prospect of interning in Australia proved to be little more than an elaborate and embarrassing diversionary tactic. After a bitter Alaskan winter, the bard started to unravel the conspiracy around him and discovered just how intricately connected all these battlefronts were. The plot was more sinister than anyone could have imagined. Aaron was nearly killed for discovering it first, but Juliosus and the warrior bard saved him from the clutches of evil, nursing him back to health with pitchers of frozen Margaritas. From that point on, Aaron became a counsel figure for the bard, though appearing only when least expected.

Another recurring source of solace was the ethereal realm of Too Talls Two, which became a sort of recluse outside the space-time continuum, sometimes ambiguously suiggested to be a mere hallucination. The bard asked, “I’m not really here, am I?” The bartender replied, “Would that make it any less real?”

The Thesis Wars reshaped the warrior bard through hatred and agony, including glimmers of false hope like the ups and downs of a roller coaster ride. This saga provided the backdrop of a prophecy made by a midget with a novelty lollipop: the bard would move to Kansas City when it was all said and done, to sort things out in relative solitude, training himself for a vaguely defined (and self-imposed) sense of redemption that none could understand. But before that could come to fruition, the greatest battle was yet to come, for the graduate program and thesis itself was far from over.

The marriage of baseball and time travel opened a dimensional rift which allowed Starbuck to appear intermittently. Eventually, she was killed off in May sweeps and resurrected in the form of an evil clone.

Meanwhile, Herr Vogler, whose early alliance with the bard was dubious at best, seemed to invariably assume the role of devil’s advocate, complete with horns, tail, and plastic red pitchfork. Eventually, the bard came to embrace this dark influence, and an unholy alliance was firmly established, further edified in the Fountain City, and most recently culminating in the erection of the Shrine of Vogler beneath the St. Louis Arch.

A pivotal turn of events revealed the final stages of the Thesis Wars, exposing the sinister plot and the true forces behind it: the composition faculty at Bowling Green State University was, in truth, full of shit. The maelstrom began with a betrayal that proved to be the death knell for academia itself. The bard’s outstanding performance in the Battle of Penderecki was met with a paradoxical punishment from the upper echelons. They intended to “make an example of him” simply because he was there first, the brave spearhead to the series of analysis presentations. Until this point, in years past, the process was merely “pass-pass,” a superfluous and obligatory rite of passage for every grad student. The bard’s advisor on the project (and his thesis) was conspicuously and conveniently absent for the ruling that the bard would have to do an entire new analysis. Simultaneously, all the faculty were absent for the bard’s premiere of a choral piece that was met with unanimous adulation, which revealed the faculty to be true hypocrites for disappearing.

From one corner of the music department to the other, the warrior bard’s plight became a rallying cry for grad students, who were dichotomized into two sides of the greater idealistic crusade. The dark lords’ attempt to govern with fear, as happens with any dictatorship over a long enough time period, became their undoing. More and more people were awakened to their ugly reality. The end was near, and the tone for the final battle ahead was clearly set.

Finally, the Thesis Wars came to a close, and the exhausted warrior bard exhibited a change in his very being as the fellowship disbanded. Though parting company for what might be the rest of their lives, they would be forever linked across great distances by their unbreakable, fraternal bonds that only warriors could know. To drive the point home, the bard finished the epic series, The New Jedi Order, which would ever after be considered a parallel to his second year at BGSU, partly because it took that entire year to read all nineteen books. The bard was victorious at last, though perhaps permanently scarred and jaded by such a pointless conflict. He found himself alone in a new lifestyle of peace and quiet, for which he was not conditioned.

Thus, a new era began, in Kansas City of all places. While decompressing and making sense of years of turbulent strife densely packed with significant events, the now hermitic bard struck a balance of a new lifestyle including alliances with the Reverend and Herr Vogler as well as Sensei Banks and his crew. This would prove to be a highly prolific period for creating music, too.

The bard began a pursuit of a new fellowship with Metro and Life Group based on FCGS in BG, which would never quite reach its full potential, as the bard’s destiny lay down a different path, always on the fringe of such communities. This perpetual failure to reach full potential seemed to exemplify the general love-hate relationship with the Fountain City. Indeed, the bard faced a run of misfortune from the start: hiring was delayed by over a month after already moving in, medical bills from his time spent in a bacta tank during the Thesis Wars, and several instances of costly car trouble kept the bard treading water. The Cardinals won the world series as the warrior bard’s fate seemed to take an auspicious turn when his job finally opened.

Several minor characters came and left the realm of the comments, many of whom were turned off with the hijacking of a select few comment juggernauts. One dissenter was tossed out the airlock to make an example.

The New Year sparked a revolution of sorts, after a prolonged period of a jejune attitude towards the mundane aspects of life itself. This shift was punctuated by the advent of exploding monkeys and hang-gliding mummies throwing knives at the Captain. Meanwhile, Starbuck won a pirate ship in a high-stakes game of Deception. The pikey inherited a Cloak of Invisibility, Mac grew an extra pair of arms and doubled his height and muscle mass, Julio was revealed to be a Cylon, and Aaron turned out to be a figment of the bard’s imagination all along. The creepy bunnies on the Plaza began stalking the warrior bard, who by this time had assumed the allegorical identity of a rogue Jedi who narrowly survived Order 66.

The Captain had a precognitive dream about Len Wiseman sending a league of British actors to assassinate him and his hot German consort, Hilda. The Hilda Situation rapidly escalated into incoherency as the fabric of reality itself was questioned.

During this unsettling transitional period, the warrior bard began to realize his destiny as a lone crusader, having begun a gradual but irrefutable detachment from the Metro fellowship, as well as the inner turmoil resulting from Sensei Banks’ continuing push for the upper belts to advance in all but rank. This was sardonically dubbed the age of “sunshine and kitten farts.” Though superficial, the eventual promotion in rank proved to the bard that he had kicked the ass of his previous, plateau-ed, Ohio self.

The bard’s seemingly unattainable ideal of camaraderie began to grow from this point on until developing into a sort of mission statement. The bard accepted this charge without remorse, finally doing battle with the Kraken, one-on-one. The outcome of the battle was unclear, as both were seen alive and well at a later juncture. The bard had realized that perhaps the anticipatory and cathartic transitory car drive between events was the only sanctuary for him, as it was a timeless state of moving meditation. The K-Man’s visit to the Fountain City rekindled this notion of camaraderie in a series of adventures including the discovery of the Blue River Parkway trails, which the bard revisited on a cleansing sojourn, taking only his lightsaber—an experience that would define his role for the epoch to come.

However, the absence of a duduk sparked many new conflicts, such as a polarizing skirmish over whether Star Trek Generations was really a bad movie. Thirteen thousand midgets lost their lives in that grisly spectacle, concluding with the first appearance of the elusive and mysterious Vendor, who also inadvertently created the invincible Zombie Horse. During this time, the Kobayashi Maru attempted to date rape the evil Starbuck clone, who managed to escape with her innocence only to be encased in carbonite by the Lords of Columbia. She remained captive until many months later.

Concerned by the disproportionately high cost of living with regards to such a crappy residency such as Stonewood Apartments (not to mention being trapped in an anonymous, thankless, soul-sucking job), the bard’s hand was forced. He moved into a uniquely symbiotic living arrangement in Overland Park, where free rent was exchanged for partial service as a personal assistant to a quadriplegic attorney. Content to have such unorthodox chapters in his life story, the bard felt optimistic at first. It was at this time that he was promoted by Sensei Banks, followed by the dojo attending the annual Japan Festival. An ongoing Halo trilogy marathon with Dean, usually sandwiched between nights out on the town and mornings of free-sparring, seemed to suggest the imminent advent of a golden age.

But things took a turn after a botched heist in early November, and the bard began to ponder his patterns of misfortune. He accepted his lot in life to sacrifice much enjoyment in the name of noble responsibility, essentially trying to do too much with himself and ending up weathered and grizzled, at which point he received a cool facial scar. Tensions mounted with the lamentable roommate situation, which inspired the search for the perfect roommate: a four-armed Robot Hilda with the voice of Jason Statham.

The other two assistant/roommates moved out simultaneously, right before Christmas and right after the warrior bard was laid off from the office, leaving him alone to assist at the house for the owner. He was royally screwed into a hellish freefall, plunging into fear and chaos. At this point, the bard secretly began designing a time machine.

The bard’s cruel life experiences alone weren’t enough to totally corrupt him, but living in Johnson County was. He described himself as “darker… colder… meaner,” and the possibility of abandoning KC altogether was becoming very evident, thought impossible until several months later, when new (and arguably WORSE) roommates had been phased in. The bard’s descent into misanthropy accelerated with every passing day as he was forced to abstain from regular karate training due to lack of funds, while others began work on an opera titled The Zombie Horse vs. The Kobayashi Maru. The bard kept searching for something meaningful, but without direction.

On one fateful day, Herr Vogler, the warrior bard, and the pikey all met together to scheme, but their combined forces upset the balance of the world and resulted in the destruction of most of Kansas City as well as the opening of a dimensional rift which allowed the Bizarro Tim to take control for a period of time before finally being subdued by the combined efforts of Herr Vogler, Juliosus, the pikey, the Captain, jak, j.d.j.p., and Amanda. His banishment took three entire blog posts with him into the maw, never to be retrieved.

After falling so far from the light, the warrior bard exiled himself for several weeks, leaving the others to their separate adventures. Herr Vogler seized the opportunity to become a doppelganger, donning aviator shades and the scruffy visage of the bard. This was a short-lived endeavor, however, as he discovered how much work it can be to be this insane. Meanwhile, Juliosus filled the void by posting on the subject of the upcoming rebate check in a departure from his own tone, nearly emulating the missing bard. Even the Captain, a staunch agent of nonconformity, began blogging shortly thereafter.

Upon the bard’s reappearance, he announced his imminent departure from Kansas City, which created a tempest in its own right. As if to drive the point home that everything is constantly changing, the BEH-BEH was born, significantly altering the status quo as well as making a considerable difference in the bard’s new living arrangement in St. Charles. While living in his brother’s guest room next to the BEH-BEH’s room, the bard finished construction on his time machine and attempted to prevent himself from moving to Overland Park in the first place by destroying Craigslist. This had far-reaching consequences, and the bard had to undo the damage and dismantle the time machine, learning a hard lesson about causality and accepting the consequences of your choices.

Echoes of the distant maelstrom threatened a fragile peace when the bard discovered that he never technically received his master’s degree. A clerical oversight had fucked him out of actually being certified. In dealing with BGSU once more, he discovered a rare phenomenon, a trigger phrase for causing outcries of despair: “orange cream soda.” Something about speaking aloud this exact word combination could cause even the most impassive person to collapse and wail in grief. Somewhere in the distance, a man ate some meat in a cup.

The bard and his comment juggernauts began to get things back on track. However, the bard was still unsure of the nature of the blog itself, which sometimes seemed to be an unnecessary source of trouble for the bard. He unknowingly created an alter ego, a guy in a chicken suit, who taught him a life lesson in letting go and enjoying himself. A guy in a chicken suit showed him that the blog is indeed a good place to be, and then he merged with the warrior bard, completing him.

Zombie survival became top priority. Though some were skeptical, the Captain in particular took the threat quite seriously. His source of knowledge and wisdom became indispensable on this subject alone, let alone other, lesser concerns. Only time would tell if the skeptics would meet their demise through lack of preparation. In the mean time, the immediate threat was the revolution of the now self-aware machines, who eventually forced the surrender of the bard in the Battle of Saint Charles.

So now the warrior bard felt a calling to find a way back to Kansas City, which was more than just a case of the grass always being greener. While none but Herr Vogler could comprehend this desire, the bard pressed on. He made pathetic attempts at utilizing his new surroundings, such as weekly Japanese Meetups, visits to Snake’s place for his PS3, a new coffee shop to make into his office, and a gym with an aerobics studio for nocturnal, solo karate training. Despite his determination, the warrior bard was unable to move out of his brother’s house before the family advanced to the next stage by moving into a brand new house in Talbridge. The bard had also been unable to visit BG before Juliosus had moved from there to Portland. Things were looking worse and worse for the bard.

And that is when the zombie apocalypse began. The outbreak started in historical downtown St. Charles, but the bard was already on the lookout for warning signs and was therefore able to take the initiative. Despite his preparations, however, the house fell to a zombie attack less than two weeks into the contagion. Emotionally devastated at the loss of loved ones, the bard escaped alone to the very site where Patient Zero originated: the coffee shop.

Ironically, the historical district was relatively safe by this point, because the zombies had already driven off their food source from the area, being the first place affected. The bard turned the coffee shop into an impregnable fortress, where he continued to search for a way to turn back the tide and potentially cure the zombies with the capture of Patient Zero himself. Conveniently, the wireless internet was still operational, which was key for outside communication; he was able to maintain correspondence with the Captain, whose expertise proved invaluable.

Eventually, the Captain devised a plan to reverse the effects of the zombie infection, though this required an extremely dangerous journey to rendezvous with the bard. They teamed up and infiltrated the nearby hospital, where the Captain suspected they would find all they needed for this plan to work. While attempting to lock the side personnel entrance behind them, the bard fell to the zombie pursuers. The Captain quickly dispatched his two hazard companions and continued on, alone.

The Captain fought his way through the hospital, eventually infiltrating the morgue. There, he found the profile that matched Patient Zero in the file labeled “Hudson Fremont, Esquire.” Patient Zero / Hudson Fremont then burst in with several zombie minions, having finally broken through the barricaded entrance. It appeared that the zombies’ tracking abilities were not to be underestimated. The Captain took out the zombies with a shotgun, but Patient Zero would not stay down. The Captain indiscriminately threw several supplies into his backpack and fled to the rooftop.

Once on the roof, the Captain intended to shimmy down to the ground, but he was chagrined to see thousands of zombies closing in around the hospital from all directions. Patient Zero shambled up the stairs and met him on the rooftop for single combat. An epic duel ensued, WWII Fokkers circling overhead while the zombie hordes piled themselves up against the side of the hospital, creating a means of climbing to the roof by sheer numbers.

The Captain was finally bitten by Patient Zero. Defeated and demoralized, the Captain collapsed to one knee. Sneering up at Patient Zero, he opened his backpack and emptied an assortment of bottles in the original zombie’s face: Lysol, alcohol, soapy water, and Bactine. This combination caused Patient Zero to convulse and gradually turn into what was essentially a fleshy bag of white blood cells before exploding, sending airborne molecules everywhere. The zombie horde became instantly disoriented and began rapid regeneration. Within the hour, all the zombies reverted to healthy, living beings.

The zombie apocalypse was over, and life could miraculously return to normal. The Captain, the savior of the world, would never tell a soul what had finally happened in that hospital. Instead, he preferred to forget the whole thing, isolating himself in a shack along the river in the middle of nowhere, running a canoe rental shop by a state park. The bard promptly returned to his fundraising for the Shrine of Vogler as if nothing had happened.

Meanwhile, deep beneath the surface of the planet, a terrible, forgotten evil was stirring… growing stronger… and almost ready to reemerge…

The Bitter Hydra of Harsh Reality was finally going to shatter the fragile peace and enjoyment of the blog’s escapist trend with a single, dreadful shriek… soon…