Adagio and Transfiguration

I gave up trying to communicate my thoughts by painting a portrait of shame and despair from my point of view. But seriously, imagine what it must feel like then to hear someone with no right to say so imply that I’m not trying hard enough, that I feel entitled to something I don’t deserve, that I am the source of my own unhappiness because of a bad attitude, etc. No, actually, I have very legitimate, very mature and responsible fears in a very real and dark world. My current plight is more than a mere setback—it’s a matter of potentially being fucked for life. Those of you with retirement plans, just shut yer yaps. PERIOD.

But that’s neither here nor there. As I said, I gave up trying to explain things, because it just comes off sounding alarmist and pessimistic. I have my own problems. You have yours. I never liked complaining, but I discovered that my close friends and family have the idea that that’s all I do anymore. Somewhere along the line, I went horribly wrong, and now I’ll probably spend the next several years doing damage control so that the very few people whose opinions I do give a damn about come to think of me the way I deserve. Much of that is my own damn fault, perhaps, but a lot of it is circumstantial, too.

It struck me, after a conversation with Herr Vogler that nailed almost every single point I wish I could make here, that there are essentially two reasons it seems utterly absurd to accuse me of “wanting too much”: 1) The people who say that never actually bothered to understand what exactly it is that I want. What I “want” is very abstract and NOT material, and therefore easier to redefine and, ultimately, obtain. What I “want” is a very simple combination of the simple pleasures in life that should consequently reflect at least a modicum of enlightenment. 2) These people “have” what most people want. I don’t. The average American in my shoes would be hopelessly depressed and perhaps even suicidal. 27 years old and no girlfriend, no job, no money, no house, steeped in debt, and geographically isolated from most of the people I care to have fellowship with, and to top it off, my hair is thinning. Fine. The American Dream was never my world. I am at peace with all of those things except the part about missing fellowship, which is hardly something to chastise me for! (And I am not about to apologize for making decent life choices: just because I don’t have a drug problem and I don’t have to pay child support doesn’t mean I was dealt an easy hand in life. It means I was responsible for the sake of a better future.)

So for someone with the world on a string to tell me that I am wrong to “want” more… that’s just absurd. Look at your own life sometime. Be thankful. But please remember: I still do not envy you (that is far from my point). And you still don’t know what I want. Because I still haven’t articulated it for you, now have I.

The real question is, what do people want from me? Rather, “What do people WANT from me?! My whole life, it seemed like everyone has these Great Expectations of me… WHAT do I have to do? Nothing is enough! Have I not lived a good life?! Is that not all I ‘need’ to do?!”

Herr Vogler’s take on it is that “a good life is what you make of it,” which I agree with absolutely. Wait… words of wisdom from Herr Vogler instead of the Captain? I’m breaking the laws of blog physics!!

It’s all a matter of credibility. How can I impart the things I am compelled to impart when I am dismissed outright?

Most of you will only imagine everything I ever write in a hostile, angry tone of voice, and that’s just sad for you. I’m not nearly as “angry” as you seem to characterize me. For example, do you honestly think I am still nursing a grudge for my old composition faculty nemeses? Please. My indifference towards them stems from a total absence of respect for their supposed “importance” in the world. How can I hate someone who doesn’t matter? I guess you could say I have “bigger fish to fry,” but I think of it as this: the troubles of being an oppressed composition student were a lifetime ago for me. Hm… and yet… I still consider my friends from BG to be some of the best I have in the world, so my memories are not that obsolete, right? Oh by the way, that was a supreme compliment. Take it, chew it, and wash it down with some orange cream soda. I wish you were here. And I wish I had done a better job of representing myself. That’s what I “want” out of life.

I can’t begin to describe the recipe for financial disaster that transpired recently, nor am I inclined to, but in a pivotal moment of darkest dark, I guess I am trying to steer in a new direction. Back to the Way. The ol’ Stoic ideal that virtue is enough? Budo? I guess. I’m just tired of feeling judged all the time by my friends and family, tired of feeling like I’ve fallen from grace. Time to just be, and outwardly reflect the ideals I internalize. Easier said than done, I’m afraid. Especially when you are shut out of every possible form of “community.” One thing at a time. For now, I have decided that I need a sidekick. A Twi’lek female, of course… with teal skin and a yellow lightsaber.

No, seriously, what I “want” is very simple, and it’s abstract enough to be transplanted into any city, not just Kansas City (where I may never be able to establish myself anyway): I want to be in a work environment where I can be appreciated by kindred spirits, I want to always have a creative outlet on the side, I want to share my ideas, I want to go do things with good companions, I want to have enough money to not live in fear, I want to be understood, I want to feel alive. Basically, I want to die without feeling like I squandered my time. I know everyone wants to “leave one’s mark” or “make a difference,” and that really just comes from the existentialist awareness of our own mortality, unfortunately magnified a hundredfold for any artist. That’s the gist of it, and I’m typing all this in a bit of a hurry, but there it is. Pretty loosely defined.

Still think I’m being greedy, proud, or materialistic?

The pikey once told me that the best thing to say in this situation is quite simply and eloquently: Fuck off.

I’m sick of this abysmal darkness crap. Things are going to be different now…