What You Leave Behind

It’s been warm lately. Hopefully it lasts.

I took a midnight stroll to burn off some detrimental energy, and thought about spring and the other places I’ve been. I thought about the dilemma facing me: do I hang on for yet another round of job applications, or do I move in with my brother in St. Charles? I was looking at the stars, thinking about all this and Hans Zimmer, when a geriatric monkey whacked me in the head with his walking stick… it still hurts.

Now, fast-forward to daylight. Afternoon. I was driving around the perimeter of Longview Lake, looking for a good place to smoke my last Kahlua cigar and strategize. At $3.21 a gallon, I wasn’t about to do a tour of the entire city, but I did drive around a little bit just to look at each familiar setting from previous episodes in the hypothetical light of it being the last time.

Cue driving montage. The first thunderstorm of spring occupied the southern sky, and if it helps your mood indicator, I was listening to Tears of the Sun. I was looking very hard, trying to see if Kansas City is more than just the sum of its parts.

It’s not.

My affinity for this city is mostly due to potential enjoyment. Sure, I like a lot of the shops and restaurants and outdoorsy locations, but I haven’t exactly been able to exploit them.

Well then, let’s dig a little deeper, shall we? What exactly is it that I would leave behind? And what impression did I leave on the world during my time here? Wait, strike that last part. Who cares anymore.

Even the resources I do have, I haven’t been a part of since November, and there’s not much optimism about things finally going as I had initially hoped.

Dean and I only get to hang out once a month now, tops. I have gone to karate once a month, just to “check up.” I see Brad about as often, too. I’m not exactly branching out and recruiting a posse here.

So then you have Metro Christian Fellowship and Life Group. I haven’t been involved in either since November, and even when I was, it wasn’t “enough” of an involvement. However, I do not want to simply pull out. I am also not interested in finding another church after that. So many churches get the Message wrong, so many Christians aren’t living with vitality, so many are… well, irritatingly misleading. Ask any of my cynical, agnostic commentators here. But this particular community is worth associating with. And Jim Bailey is the most authentic, most… accurate pastor I’ve encountered. But when I started going there, I figured I’d just contribute what I could before my inevitable change in direction. Check.

South KC Shotokan Karate Club is the main source of remorse. But then again, I hardly failed at that, either. I just haven’t been able to be full-time recently. If I left KC, I would still come back for “checkups” to supplement my inevitable solo training. Just like with Metro, I have no interest in looking for a replacement. This is it. This is the real deal.

I found it, I had it, now it’s just a matter of retaining it.

The irony is not lost on me that I could essentially be making the opposite decision to the dilemma I was faced with in September: should I stay or should I go? Again, what am I really holding onto here? And is it even sensible anymore? A resounding “NO.” I’d be better off aborting this whole Overland Park thing, regrouping for a while, then waiting until I have something solid before moving back to Kansas City. And none of that dead-end data entry crap, “just to pay the bills.” Or maybe I’ll never come back. That’s always a possibility.

Truth be told, KC now has far more negative associations for me than positive. So look at it this way: once I establish myself in St. Charles, I can afford to visit KC once every 3-5 weeks, which will actually be better than it is right now! The irony is outrageous. Seriously, I could make the drive either Friday night or early Saturday morning, go to karate in Grandview for a couple hours, then drive north to Dean’s place to shower and spend a lavish night out on the town. Before heading back Sunday night, there would be plenty of time to do some free-sparring, play Xbox 360, hang out at a coffee shop, or go rock-climbing. Since Brad is largely unavailable on the weekends, I might be able to catch him for part of it. Or maybe some day we could just meet halfway in Columbia. To everyone I haven’t mentioned... well… make me an offer.

Clearly, I’ve thought this through. I'm not going to detail all the pros and cons for you, but Kansas City would be, as it originally had been, only with positive connotations.

Right now I have only two leads, and neither of them are what you would call “optimistic.” One is with Commerce Bank, who decided my schedule was in conflict, but they’d pass me along to HR for placement elsewhere. Guess what, there’s Commerce Bank in St. Charles, too. Second, Brad might get me into his office, but it’s only part-time, and it’s downtown, so it would serve mostly to stave off the infection for a little while, possibly allowing me to bide my time until I find full-time work elsewhere. In the mean time, every dime would go towards gasoline.

Thanks, War in Iraq!
[said with an exaggerated, bubbly 1950s advertisement voice]

Tomorrow I’m going downtown to Brad’s office with the KC Symphony to see what’s what. Then we’re going to have fun for the next thirty hours or so while his wife is out of town. Sh!

I have already begun to box up some of my less-than-vital trappings, “just in case.” I’m being stealthy about it, because I am not officially leaving just yet. I got some spunk left in my search, and I am not going to let my roommates know they should start looking for a replacement until I’m sure.

Meanwhile, I keep trying. Kansas City has kicked my ass, but I didn’t go down without a fight. I give it one week from Saturday. If I don’t have any good prospects by then, I will have to make a very important decision.