Global Threat

”The communications disruption can mean only one thing: invasion.”

As of Saturday morning, I firmly believe that my cell phone is possessed by the vengeful spirit of Cary Grant. Most of my calls, whether incoming or outgoing, consist of total silence. I can’t even listen to voicemails. Sometimes I get through, so I know it’s not the earpiece and it’s not on mute or something stupid like that. I have no idea what the problem is. Dead-actor-spirit-possession is the only reasonable explanation.

The point is that nobody should even bother calling me until I get this figured out.

And nobody knows why my portable hard drive won’t read. Best Buy, the Apple store… all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t figure out why. It will read fine on any other computer, so I’ll have to check for updates or something. I have no more space on my laptop, so I neeeeeeeed it to work ASAP.

iMiss my iPod, too. It stopped working in October. It was a great amenity, one you take for granted until you can no longer design playlists for jogging or sorting jelly beans (the purple ones are nasty). Yeah, nothing like an iPod to show how antisocial you are. Nobody tries to talk to you with headphones on. Sometimes that doesn’t work, though, and they ask, “What are you listening to?” So you just respond, “I’m deaf.”

Nothing works. Some of these things you can’t live without. For example, even the CDR someone gave me of The Dark Knight is skippy. It even ripped that way onto iTunes, so I just deleted it until I buy the real thing from Best Buy.

There is a connection.

The machines… it’s the machines… they are finally going to make their move. All this time I had been gearing up for a zombie apocalypse, but I forgot about the real threat.

”Skynet has become self-aware. In one hour it will initiate a massive nuclear attack on its enemy.”

The zombies aren’t what wipe us out—they never were. My fears were misplaced. It may be too late for me, but you can still save yourselves. In case this is my last transmission, I have one final command: never stop fighting. Keep the resistance alive. Always remember the human spirit. Remember me.