The Case Against Hepburn

Frickin… AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

All right, time for a good old-fashioned rant… if for no other reason than to amuse you. Because you knew it was coming, sooner or later. Just sit back in your chair behind your mahogany desk and chuckle, fingers pressed together.

So here’s what’s grinding my gears…

There are two methods of Romanization of the Japanese language for study. One is proper, the other is stupid. The stupid one (Hepburn), unfortunately, is ubiquitous due to its inexplicable popularity. I guess it’s popular because it’s “easier,” though I actually find it to be more confusing. And it pisses me off, because this is the methodology in most of the books you can buy (short of hunting down college textbooks). There is also a third system, which is a compromise of the two, and thus makes a whole lot of NOT sense.

Frickin bugs me because it changes the frickin… urrrrrrg.

Take the syllable “si,” for example (hiragana and katakana symbols are syllabic). The Hepburn system phonetically translates it as “shi.” This alone bugs me, because if you’re studying the language, you’d know that basic tenet anyway from the chart of pronunciation. Yeah, that pronunciation guide adds a whole five minutes to your beginning study time—not a big deal. Why dumb it down with all the phonetic crap?

Another example: the hiragana and katakana symbols for si can be modified with a little ” mark to make it zi. Ah, but Hepburn changes that to ji. But su becomes zu, not ju. See? It’s like saying F-double-sharp is the same as G. It’s not the same!! It just sounds the same!!

Furthermore, it’s syo, not sho. Because you have two symbols: si and yo. Technically speaking. They combine to form syo, which sort of sounds like “sho.” That’s another point: what I mean by “sort of”—by dumbing it down, by oversimplifying, it only encourages bastardized pronunciation. Like Engrish. Japenglish. Doh Moh Oh Ree Gah Toe, Mister Roboto. You might as well greet a Japanese person by throwing a turd at him. “Zyaa” is not “Jaa,” because it’s only really close to a J sound, so just keep it the way it is because if nothing else it reminds you that it’s a foreign tongue, so phonetic spellings should not be taken so literally.

A better example: oo is not ou. Why? Because the first “o” symbol is followed by a smaller “o” (the same symbol, mind you) to let you know how to treat the vowel. It’s technically “oo,” but the half-assed American reader sees it and thinks “Moo!”

Why dumb it down with diphthongs? You’re a diphthong! Shut up.

Same goes for ee vs. ei. Yeah, I am guilty of using the word sensei when it should be spelled sensee, but that’s a universally recognized rank spelling, so I’m really just pandering when I do it. Same with talk of this very system on trial: Romaji or Romazi?

Sure, the Kunree-siki (or Kunrei-shiki?) system is going to make more people look stupid if they try to read it out loud without knowing how to pronounce it (soo desu nee), but every language is like that (perhaps French or Russian most of all). If you are going to go to the trouble of learning Japanese, it’s not that hard to take the time to learn how to pronounce the Kunree system first.

So it comes down to this: technicality is scrubbed down, de-loused, and sterilized in order to dumb it down for people who don’t understand WHY, like how B-sharp is not the same as C, even though it sort of is. If the key is C-sharp Minor, your leading tone is B-sharp, not C… because C and C-sharp are the same root note, and tonic has a totally different function than the leading tone! Calling it “C” is misleading but makes it easier for a beginning student to play. For an advanced student, however, it’s a headache. This is actually an excellent analogy on my part. I’m a smart dood (that’s how it’s pronownst, aff turr awl).

The Hepburn system is just fine if you want to ask where the restroom is but you don’t want to be literate enough in the language to read the sign for yourself.

Now, because you can’t find the Kunree system anymore, I have to freaking make mental notes of every single word as I read them because they’re Romanized incorrectly. It bogs down my study progress. Dean’s with me on this, I know he is. He hates it, too.

Hepburn sucks. Screw Hepburn.