Pure Sabacc

Today I gave my Threnody analysis presentation to Dr. Lillios in my final lesson. I pretty much did nothing but work on it since Wednesday.

This whole week up until now was completely bleak. I’m talking harrowing. I have been faced with not only the overwhelming amount of work required to prepare two major projects in one week, but also the prospect of the faculty not allowing me to pass one or both of them. I had to consider the possibility that maybe I simply wasn’t going to be allowed to leave this place. Not because of my own shortcomings, but because of the unfair judgement of the faculty here.

But they all underestimated me.

I’m set. Lillios likes my presentation, and she is proud of me for how I’ve been shaped into an academic. Those are not my words. I find them sickening and laughable at the same time. I haven’t been shaped into anything. Not by the faculty here. I’m playing them.

Because the only time I speak in seminar is to question something they feel is unquestionable, they take me for an unprofessional fool. Just because I don’t worship their ideals for “high art,” I am clearly not cut out for a Master of Music in Composition degree.

Except that I did an astonishing amount of work this week, and I did it astonishingly well. Why is that astonishing? I don’t know. It might be, if you don’t take into account my obsessive work ethic and firm grasp on the English language. Maybe… and I’m just going out on a limb here… I’m intellectually capable of great things?

Proofreading my notes, Lillios suggested I not use the word “sovereignty” in my description of this one imitative section. It makes perfect sense, and is very economic in communicating an idea. That’s the whole point of using any word. But she says it will sound like I got that paragraph from someone else.

I told her that this is what pisses me off about this whole process, and she concedes it pisses her off, too. They want you to be at a supreme level of academic rhetoric, but they don’t believe you when you do it. Behold the paradox of committee judgement.

The real challenge comes with the Q&A for both my analysis presentation and my thesis defense. It’s a lot of deflection and wordplay. We discussed this element when I met with Lillios on Tuesday. I said, “So it’s a dance.” Lillios said, “Yes, that’s exactly what it is.”

I finally just expressed my worries, “Honestly, I think your colleagues have a very low opinion of me, and are going to make it very hard for me to pass.”

The final nail in the coffin: Lillios didn’t deny it. She didn’t even look surprised or concerned. She didn’t even blink. She looked me right in the eyes and said, “Then you have to prove them wrong by showing them they're wrong.”

Don’t think too hard about the grammatical syntax of that sentence; it’s the stupidest advice I’ve ever received. It just confirmed by paranoia.

I’ll play their little game. I have an advantage: very few people are aware of how cool and diplomatic I can actually be.

I’ll play their little game. I have a strong hand to play, and everyone thinks I’m bluffing.

In the darkest hour, the tiniest spark of hope is a radiant flare.