Hope Fails

Strength is irrelevant. Self-determination is irrelevant. You must comply.

Actually, editing is irrelevant. After a very helpful and efficient lesson, going over some fine-tuning stuff, my lesson closes with bombshell.

I won't be able to graduate in May.

Despite my best efforts, despite all my sacrifices, Dr. Lillios pretty much told me it's impossible. The score isn't technically finished, so it hasn't been through even its first proof by her. I have to have all that ratified before I get the green light to start making parts. Unbeknownst to me, I have to make handouts of my analysis for the thesis defense committee. That's news to me. Maybe if I had a full briefing two months ago...

All these things have to be done by March 15. The Ides. Bear in mind, there's a week off of classes between now and then, too. That means the professors aren't around, but I still get to work in panic mode. Thanks.

If my score wasn't so big, it wouldn't be a problem. Because I won't make some obscene deadline, I have to graduate in August. Sure, oh great, yeah, that's convenient, right? I'll be around anyway, and this way my family gets to see commencement, since they can't make it in May. Guess what? I never cared about commencement. As I recall, I didn't even care if my family came to my undergraduate commencement. So calling this a blessing in disguise is an insult to me. Let's call it what it is: a kick in the nuts.

The task is insurmountable, but I'll do what I can to get the score done by Tuesday, which is the soonest Lillios can look at it. I don't care anymore. I hate the piece anyway. I just wanted to get out of here in two years, since I didn't get the experience of graduating from Truman "on time." I failed again.

This is a prime example of why I am starting to hate grad school. It's bullshit. I'm sorry, but that's actually the technical term. If that offends you, I'm sorry, but you had better get over it. In fact, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry at all. The only thing I'm sorry about is that I started this thesis so far in advance when ultimately it did me no good at all. I should have enjoyed life more instead, because it didn't help me get out of here in May. It has only brought agony and shame.

Now my objective is to save face, and get out of here with a modicum of dignity, and to do so without actually hating the past two years of my life. That is my task now.