Journey to the Line

We spent most of my lesson today grappling with a Finale SNAFU. It screwed up most of my tempo markings, and all the king's horses and all the king's men could figure out how to fix the tempo markings. Ultimately, we ran out of time to examine the entire piece, so I have to fix the problems and get back to her for a make-up lesson sometime this weekend.

What she did comment on was more than a little disappointing. She's still not convinced by certain parts of the piece. Regardless of what I have been told the previous lesson (and the one before that), she says the composition still needs more work. But those are the parts she basically wrote anyway. I mean, these are the parts we've been workshopping for weeks now, and each week I change it to be exactly what she tells me. Yet, the piece is not ready to move on to the final editing stages?

It gets worse.

To add insult to injury (and to add a few more injuries, for that matter), my peers are already there. People who have started their theses a mere few weeks ago have actually surpassed me.

How is that supposed to make me feel?

Hearing my peers congratulate each other only rubs salt in the wound. Hearing words of praise issued to them by non-composers only makes me feel like I've wasted my time. Consider when I started this thesis. Consider how hard I have been working that whole time. Consider how convinced I was that I would finish the composition, editing, parts, and defense long before the March deadline. Now consider that I am... somehow... behind the others who, until very recently, were agonizing over not even having an idea for their pieces yet?

I am as non-competitive as you can get, but seriously--how is that supposed to make me feel?

Something has gone horribly wrong. And being delayed by software problems doesn't help.