Dying Embers

I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged. That's not a good sign for the future of the blog. In fact, it seems like the last ten posts have been about this very thing: losing momentum, struggling to keep in the habit of using this blog. Can it be that Facebook really has taken over? Can it be that the blog is going the way of the dodo, like MySpace? Probably. For most people, that seems to be a foregone conclusion.

Still, in many ways I prefer this venue to Facebook. Actually, I pretty much hate Facebook, and I resent it for being so necessary to my communications. But it's not even communication! Nobody emails anymore. They don't even respond to my private messages on Facebook! And posting on my blog, and linking each post on my wall, doesn't seem to get people to read it. I guess clicking the mouse on a link to my blog these days is considered "going the extra mile," which people are too busy for. If it isn't presented in readily digestible nuggets, it's asking too much, not doing enough to compete for attention in the whirlwind of ephemeral tweets, shared memes, funny cat pictures, and ill-conceived political mini-rants. Thus, without any feeling of payoff for posting, the blog of bloated word count has gained too much inertia for it to budge from its perch on the cliff overlooking a once grand vista of friendly faces, now desolate.

It's happening. We're all drifting apart. It has already happened, actually. I just can't place when, exactly. There was no milestone, no marker, no point-of-no-return where we could take off our hats and salute our own decline, the breaking of the fellowship. It was much more gradual and more insidious than that. Life evolves, dynamics shift.

Maybe if Lillios hadn't fucked me on my thesis deadline in March and then immediately deep-sixed me into a waiting list for her attention in order to meet the summer deadline, I would have had more time to nurture those friendships, and we wouldn't be drifting like this. That's why I started my thesis so much earlier than everyone else--so I could enjoy the last couple months of grad school and enjoy our good friendships! Because I was under the impression that extra hard work and an early start would pay off! But no, what happened was that Lillios kept juggling my progress every week, backpedaling and retreading redundant ground during our lessons, and then, when it was because of her that I couldn't graduate in May, as soon as I was bumped to the summer, she further neglected me because I suddenly wasn't on the short list of her top priority students. So then she continued to prolong my thesis process until the absolute final moment it was due to be turned in online. Even though I started months before anyone else, because of her I finished dead last, and all the procrastinators got to fucking graduate on time. Some adviser, huh? Way to make someone feel valued.

No, I haven't forgotten. Every time I ponder how we're drifting, I can't help but wonder... if the faculty at BGSU hadn't fucked me over and over and over again, I might have had more time to invest in my friends. That was my incentive, after all. The series of old blog posts called "Maelstrom" is not over.

But Facebook would have suffocated those relationships eventually anyway.

I guess I do find some pleasure in Facebook. My group of gamer friends I knew through my brother are always entertaining. And I am still enjoying the novelty of the camera I bought last year. Going so awfully long without such a simple amenity like a camera has really made me appreciate what I have, and I like posting pictures on Facebook. For now.

But seriously... Facebook is becoming a monolithic presence, a gravitational body of dark matter absorbing every other form of communication. Ha. I say "every other," as if Facebook were actually a form of communication itself. It's not. It's an echo chamber. It's a place where people lazily click "Like" on a post, and that's about the most they do. Most of my friends never respond to me directly, and I wonder if they even know I'm there. Old friends I used to raise a glass to. Old friends who used to talk to me one-on-one. Like, actual communication. Now I'm just an ignored reader. We all are. And yet Facebook has taken over the world.

The Golden Age of the Blog came and went a long time ago. I know that. I know my blog, as it is now, is on life support. There was a time when I posted two or more times a week, and there were always many comments that generated inside jokes, and even a few screenplay ideas. There was a time when I knew more people read this blog than read my Facebook posts, but now it is definitely the other way around. Now, maybe ten people are reading this. The "pikey" went off the grid, and Herr Vogler hasn't posted since Captain America came out. Even the guy with the moniker "a guy in a chicken suit" has vanished!

Indeed, the one with the handle of "Herr Vogler" has redirected his energy into a new blog, a purposeful blog. A political blog, where he can exorcise his thoughts before they fester and grow into brain tumors. I think it will work out well for him. Click here to check out his new digs. Godspeed, old friend. "I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor."

So maybe this inertia my own blog can't seem to shake is just the death throes of a fading medium. Maybe I have just been in denial of that fact. It sure seems that way. Facebook can't be stopped. Part of me hopes Facebook collapses from a few critical mistakes after going public. Part of me hopes that, from the ashes, a better social network rises to replace it. I can't imagine what that would be. But I'm actually sick of hearing the word "Facebook" roll off my lips. And yet I am utterly dependent on it for keeping up with people, because I work nights and live so far away from almost everyone I know.

The end comes with a whimper, not a bang.