Night Watch

I used to post twice a week. What happened?

Okay, a lighter note.

It really does matter “who you know.” In Texas, I am told, that’s especially the case. I couple weeks ago, I was sitting at this very table at Scooter’s Coffeehouse, watching The Empire Strikes Back on my laptop, chatting on Facebook, when a guy I know appeared online and forwardly asked if I wanted a job. He had just fired a guy and needed someone, and as it turns out I qualify as “someone.” That was easy. For once. The job almost literally fell into my lap.

It’s kind of a drive, but I work the Batman shift (10:00 PM to 6:00 AM) at an uppity retirement facility. This is the kind of place where celebrities send their parents to retire. It’s so freakin’ rich, the place reminds me of Casino Royale (which, incidentally, I am watching on my laptop right now). Most of my job is taking turns with another guy at the desk—one of us holding the fort down, the other on patrol.

Money is money. And in this economy, cling desperately to whatever branch you can.

Sounds like a shitty job, doesn’t it? Wrong. Because I can amuse myself at work. Because I have an iPod built into my brain. Because in my Calvin-like escapist mind, I am constantly indulging in any one of the following scenarios (which also double as this post’s listening list):

1) Casino Royale / Quantum of Solace – Obviously I belong elsewhere. My talents are wasted on security and customer service. I have a hard time taking life seriously for that reason (not that I don’t take responsibility at work seriously, just that it’s too surreal to me that I’m even there in the first place). I feel like the only reason I am there is for an undercover assignment, upon completion of which I will disappear. Every time I use the stairs, I think I might have to call Mathis to dispose of the bodies. The only thing my job is missing is dinner jackets; instead, I have to wear a blue button-up shirt.

2) The Empire Strikes Back / The Force Unleashed – Especially when I patrol the less-accessible areas, I have to chuckle to myself at how impossible and illegal it would be for me to do something as simple as walk in these areas if I weren’t working there. Seriously, if you just took out a guard and stole his uniform a la Indiana Jones, it really is that easy to get anywhere you want to go. Therefore, I am always looking over my shoulder for an ambush in case someone wants my nametag and walkie-talkie. And the dead-quiet corridors make me think that any second Vader could jump out and start throwing stuff at me with the Force. Sometimes I think I’m being herded to the carbonite chamber. It’s too quiet… where did all the personnel go?

3) Ocean’s 11 / 12/ 13 – As I said with #1, I feel like the job is so easy that I’m only doing it as a cover. Perhaps reconnoitering the place, checking the angles, casing the joint. I can’t help it—when I am in such a wealthy environment, I feel like I have to stage a heist. Ten ought to do it, don’t you think? You think we need one more? You think we need one more. All right, we’ll get one more.

4) Metal Gear Solid – Especially when I take the elevators and go to another empty area or skulk around outside where I hear nothing but the wind, I think of all the sneaking and exploring in the original Metal Gear Solid for PS1, except for the 70-degree difference of temperature outside. As with #2, this makes me paranoid about being jumped from behind. I’m constantly looking for ammo and C-rations in the elevators. Is that wrong? I should probably pay attention to my actual duties…

[Though it doesn’t enter into my literal scenarios, I would add to the listening list Danny Elfman’s score to Mission: Impossible for “essential sneaking music.”]

Is that lighthearted enough of a blog post for you?