Overcast

I can’t form a well-constructed blog post. I am worn out, far beyond the capacity for eloquence. But I’m here, at the Crooked Tree, my second favorite coffee shop in St. Charles, number two on a list of… well, only two places in the whole God-forsaken suburb that don’t function as museums of bad memories for me.

Yep. Another weekend in St. Charles, Missouri. We had a big dinner at my brother’s house—them, me, my parents, an uncle, two aunts, and a cousin.

I can’t begin to describe how put off I am, how truly offended I am by some of the conversation that was directed at me tonight—involving work, marriage, and whatever else. Actually, I can “begin to describe,” but I won’t. Actually, I did “describe,” and it came out to about 3,600 words. I thought better of it, deleting it much like Doogie Howser would. It was all beside the point anyway.

Continuing the tone of the last few posts…

Now, thankfully, I escaped them and fled to the Crooked Tree.

It’s been cloudy and rainy, and it’s perfect for when I finally get in my car and succumb to the sweet release of the motion and the music. It’s a familiar melancholy—tired, sorrowful, and therapeutic at once. Kind of like when I was living here and desperately needed an escape from the Christmas shoppers and my family, if only for an hour or two—I retreat to a place of soothing coffee and mood lighting. A sanctuary for my weary mind to shut out the Unwanted. A place to wrap myself up in the warm comfort of caffeine and iTunes.

For some reason, I vividly recall the first November I spent in grad school at Bowling Green. I had worked almost nonstop right up until the day before Thanksgiving. So did everyone else, mind you—that’s part of why I bonded so closely with so many people there. But right before Thanksgiving, as I was mentally and physically exhausted, I drove to meet a bunch of people I didn’t know—as well as some dear classmates—at someone’s house for the first home-cooked meal (potluck, actually) I’d had in a long time. I honestly don’t even remember whose house it was. Someone from Covenant Church, where I went only twice but was invited to this lovely dinner nevertheless, and I knew a great many music grads there. As I pulled into the snowy driveway of this huge, out-of-my-league house, I happened to be listening to Many Meetings, a particularly tender cue from The Fellowship of the Ring, where Frodo wakes up in the comfortable haven of Rivendell after countless hard nights. Something about the pairing of that music with the context of that moment of my own journey etched itself permanently into my memory. Obviously. I mean, that was five years ago, and I still hold the intangible subtlety of that fleeting episode among my most comforting, bittersweet memories. It was a profound reprieve. True fellowship, hot food on a cold night, and a moment’s respite.

I recently watched that movie again, so now I’m due for The Two Towers. It is, therefore, also on my listening list for the week. That, and Kingdom of Heaven, since I just watched the director’s cut last weekend (twice). The weather can be as unpleasant as it wants.

Wait a second. Kingdom of Heaven? The Two Towers? Silver light? Weariness? Something about this seems oddly familiar…

Hm… maybe I’m on to something. Perhaps exhaustion holds an intrinsic beauty. This will require further blogging…

I guess I still can’t put my finger on what I was trying to say last weekend. Like I said, I’m far too tired to be eloquent or adherent to any sort of formal structure to a blog post. I’m just trying to find the secrets of the universe at the bottom of a cup of good coffee.

I hate this town so much… so… much… I wish I had never moved to St. Charles two springs ago. I wish none of this had happened.

”So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us…”

With the time that is given to me, I decide to do as much as I can. I have lots of good ideas for composition projects, and I am keeping busy, challenging myself. Not enough, I’m afraid. Maybe I need to do more.

Always more. Always…

Never enough. Never…


Catharsis:
King’s Fall (Kingdom of Heaven, Harry Gregson-Williams; includes Vide Cor Meam from Hannibal, Hans Zimmer)
The Promised Land (Advent Children, Nobuo Uematsu)
In Noctem (The Half-Blood Prince, Nicholas Hooper)
Finale (The Prisoner of Azkaban, John Williams)
Harry in Winter (The Goblet of Fire, Patrick Doyle)
The Entmoot Decides (The Two Towers, Howard Shore)
The Breaking of the Fellowship (The Fellowship of the Ring, Howard Shore)
Many Meetings (The Fellowship of the Ring, Howard Shore)
Where Love Doesn’t Reach (Final Fantasy IX, Nobuo Uematsu)
Ending (Final Fantasy X, Nobuo Uematsu)
Infinite White (Revenge of the Fallen, Steve Jablonsky)

Got a problem with the list? Suck it. It was my mental equivalent of a shoulder massage tonight. Eloquence and coherence are overrated anyway.